Wolf Like Me

“I don’t think people are meant to be by themselves...Because nothing sucks more than being all alone. No matter how many people are around.”
-J.D. From Scrubs

Loneliness has been on my mind a lot lately. I think it's safe to say that everyone has dealt with being alone at some point in their life.

Some people go through their whole lives surrounded by friends, yet have never felt the comfort that comes with great friendship, because at the heart of every person is a need to be wanted even when it seems that they have everything.

On a personal level, I feel alone often and I have great friends and a great family. I haven't ever had a better relationship with God than I do right now and yet, deep within me lies this void that has yet to be filled.

I'm not in pain. I feel fine. You won't see loneliness in my eyes when you see me, but sometimes at night I go to bed wondering what it is that I am missing.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I'm not. I have never been more positive that I am heading in the right direction than I do right now, yet I still sometimes feel alone.

Jack's Mannequin asks the question in a song called Dark Blue:

"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"

That's a great question. Loneliness is a hurt that comes from a long line of pain. Every time I feel alone, I try to remember the relationships I currently have. I think of my closest friends and what they've done for me. Yeah, they aren't perfect but I don't expect them to be.

I think that there are different aspects and levels of emotional pain. Anything from verbal abuse to dealing with feelings of abandonment can all cause pain that can be easily covered up yet run so deep in our system that it begins to take over who we are.

I have shared through heartache, grief, hurt, and a lot of pain with many people and loneliness still seems to be the least fleeting feeling to experience.

I think the trick to dealing with being alone is to never stop looking for the good in your current relationships. Never forget about where you've come from with the friends that you have. If they are good ones, they'll be there for you regardless of what you do.

And if you don't have those friends that would take a bullet for you, find them. I know it can be hard to make friends, but sometimes the victory of discovering someone who is always there for you, can make you feel a part of something.

People have this innate desire to do community. They want to be a part of something greater than themselves but most of the time feel all too helpless and won't take a step outside of their shell.

In the end, all it takes is a determined spirit. You may be alone now, but what is down the road no one knows.

So keep your head up...

Hope daringly...

And live passionately.

The Emotional Spectrum

Empathy: Understanding and entering into another's feelings.

Emotions are never what they seem.

It's hard to figure out what exactly it is I'm feeling at times. Whether it be compassion or anger or pain, sometimes it is just so hard to decipher which is which.

Lately it seems that empathy is being forced into my heart. I know the notion of something being forced on me is a wild accusation yet here I am, experiencing it.

I more than likely asked for this, without realizing it. Somehow along the way, God decided it would be a good idea to teach me how to feel for what others are going through. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have empathy. It's really the contrary, I think it's a wonderful thing. I don't think that I've ever been more excited about emotions in my life!

There are an incredible amount of emotions that can take place in someone's life. Fear, courage, love, anger, hate, even pain seem to simply scratch the surface of the complexity that is the human heart. Many would argue that people would be better without emotions of any kind, just to cancel out the bad. Let's face it, horrible things have happened in the name of love, yet the greatest sacrifice was done with the same claim.

To get rid of love, courage, empathy and all the good, just to rid ourselves of evil feelings such as anger and hatred would be an empty experience for us. I've experienced apathy and you'd think that a life without caring would be ideal, but trust me it's not a place you want to be at.

Apathy sounds like freedom.

Empathy sounds like a prison.

So which is more powerful?

If Jesus asked us to become selfless beings who did nothing but take care of those in need, shouldn't empathy go hand it hand with that?

I don't believe we've been called to live a sheltered life behind our so called, "Emotions," yet we find an excuse that always seems to put us behind them.

Emotions are in need of being controlled, because they can influence us to do strange and awful things, but that does not give us an excuse not to listen to them.

Love will get you through pain. Courage will help overcome great fear. Empathy will help you destroy apathy.

So much good can come from emotions.

Follow your heart.

Trust your judgment.

Rely on your gut.

God gave them to you for a reason.

The Future (To Infinity and Beyond)

“I usually don’t like thinking about the future. I mean let’s face it, you can’t predict what’s going to happen. But sometimes, the thing you didn’t expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you’re going and just enjoy where you’re at.”
-John Dorian (Scrubs)

The future is a mystery.

No one knows what the future holds.

Whether you live your life carefully or by stepping in harms way, you have no idea what tomorrow brings.

All kinds of people feel differently about how to live their lives. Some live in the here and now, some wallow in the past, while others have their hearts in the future. These people are constantly talking about where they are going and how they are going to get there.

I'm not like that. I never have been. There's a danger in only seeing what's ahead of you. When you do that, you develop a tunnel-vision. You have this great dream of living as an artist, a lawyer, an architect or a father, a mother, etc. But what you fail to see are the opportunities that were laid in front of you on your way to get there.

You meet a girl/boy. They are nothing short of amazing. They want to develop a relationship with you and you entertain thoughts of marriage. After all, for the longest time you wanted to be a husband/wife, so why bother wasting your time with the small moments? What happens next is nothing. You're still alone. But your future is just around the corner. Destiny awaits.

You overlook who you are in that moment and all you see is what you can become. And you miss so much.

This is a tragedy. Nothing is more heart-breaking to me than missed opportunities. I find that I beat myself up over this more than anything. There are only so many moments in life where you get the chance to truly soar!

When those moments come around the corner, you have to take advantage of them.

Your future is dependent on the decisions you make today. So stop thinking about what's going to happen tomorrow.

You'll know when you get there.

It's okay to have plans.

It's okay to think about what's in store for you.

It's not okay to neglect a life thinking everything will fall into place when it comes time for it to.

Remember the past so that you don't make the same mistakes today. Live today, so that you may live out your dreams tomorrow.

Keep dreaming for a better tomorrow and live to become an unstoppable force.

The Present (Apathy's Stain)

Apathy hits us at the most convenient moments in life.

We get stuck in this wirlwind of not caring about life and all ambition is simply drained from our very being.

This doesn't happen to everyone. Most people are able to rise above this. But for those who have tried to block the memories from their painful past can fully understand going through this.

When apathy strikes someone, they find themselves stuck in the present.

I can't tell you how wonderful it sounds to be in a state of mind where you just do not care about anything that happens. If something happens to others, family, friends, or even yourself.

You simply don't care about anything.

On the surface, that sounds like freedom. To not care about anybodies well being, including your own should allow you to do things you never dreamed you could accomplish. But it doesn't.

You see, apathy is a paralysis of the heart. It binds you to your own personal prison.

I know a lot of people who say they, "Live in the moment."

Sounds right. Making each decision as it comes to you rather than planning out every step from now until you die, sounds smart. And it is, but sometimes doing this will put you in a spot where you're risking more than you should be.

The present is a constant. You'll always find yourself there. You can dream about the future, and mourn about the past, but you will always be in the present.

The present is now, and now, and now and now.

Simple. Right?

The people who are, "living in the moment," are the ones who complain about their lives the most. It's always about the glory days of the past, or where they are going in the future. You never hear about how amazing their lives are now.

People are more scared of today than they are of tomorrow. The past is behind them, so it's easy to move on from that, and tomorrow holds mystery. Today is simple. Today is boring. Today holds no mystery.

Fear of normalcy is what makes living in the hear and now so scary.

There is hope. There's always hope. Even when life seems boring and mediocre, meaningful things can happen. If everything happens for a reason, then today must also have a purpose.

Every day is just as important as the last, but we are stuck living them one at a time.

So get over it.

That's life.

It's filled with highs and lows but you have to take advantage of every moment to truly live.

Stop getting stuck inside of who you are or who you were or who you're going to be (it's a mouthful I know).

Life is a beautiful experience but it is also a very difficult journey.

I am young, yet I have grown an understanding of what it is to live. My opinion may change tomorrow and there isn't anything wrong with that. I'm growing and that's what's important.

So just live without worry of what tomorrow holds.

Wipe away the stain of apathy by waking up and taking a try at living.

The Past (Fear's Reminder)

I hate to be reminded of myself.

I stated in my most recent entry that I am my biggest enemy. That's still very much the truth and continues to reign over me periodically.

The past can bring about a lot of pain. Memories, can really kill a hot streak.

When I was in high school, I hated myself. Never to the point where I wanted to end my life, but I always wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be better, yet I did nothing to make that happen.

Maybe that's why I have a soft spot for people. Maybe that's why certain people keep showing up in my life.

I've met new friends and reconnected with old ones recently and it's exciting, yet terrifying all at the same time.

My old friends remind me of what I was, and it hurts. It hurts a lot.

Up to this point in life, I've learned that everything happens for a reason. Not because someone told me, but because I've seen it happen. Everything seems to just be pieced together in this grand universe...well, at least in my universe!

My emotions used to tell me to look out for myself.

My instincts tell me to look out for others.

My brain tells me to mind my own business.

My soul shouts, help them!

My heart say to live.

Everything that has happened in my life, is a huge progression. I keep finding the pieces of the puzzle fitting together so nicely, but then sometimes I don't see where a piece fits in, and I crawl back into myself.

Maybe I hated myself all those years ago, so that I could learn to something.

Maybe I just had to learn patience (which I really have learned and still hate!).

Maybe I had to learn about unconditional love.

Maybe I had to learn how to live.

Maybe it's all just a coincidence.

Does the past control my actions or am I in control?

A year ago, I'd say that I wasn't in control. A year ago, I would've thrown in the towel, and quit. But that was a year ago.

Today I am stronger.

Today I can make a difference.

Today will be a landmark in my story.

Today, I love being reminded of myself.

On The Edge, Waiting for a Chance

It could have been easier than this
If you threw it all away
What would you miss
It could have been too much of a chance to take
The silence in your head would have to break
Your grip is slipping faster
Looks like you'll have to face yourself after all
-Eighties by Lifehouse

I always seem to find a way to miss opportunities that come my way. Whether out of fear or just not caring, I find myself regretting what could have been over what actually is.

I've always been more of an introvert, which I'm sure sounds hard to believe for those who have more recently met me. Growing up, it was always very difficult for me to interact with others and meet new people. When I was in high school I didn't want to meet new people, I just wanted to get by.

Last night I drove from Orlando after spending the day with friends, some old and some new. During that drive I thought about many things, but I mostly reflected on the day's events and my past.

Just three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to interact with some of these people, let alone go out to eat with them. I would have been very awkward and felt so out of place yet I didn't.

I didn't want to miss an opportunity to be a part of something, even if it was for only a day. Even if I never see some of those people again, it was worth the experience to step outside of who I think I am to experience life as it comes to me.

There are many people in this world who do not think of themselves as risk takers. I consider myself a risk taker in certain aspects of life, but there are still many areas that I just can't risk and that kills me slowly from the inside out.

Have you ever met someone who looked like they just needed a friend right there in that moment?

Their eyes just screamed out at you, shouting, "I need someone, anyone, just to tell me I'm going to be okay!" Their body language said, "please help me."

But you did nothing. You looked at this person and said, someone close to them can help. I'm not qualified to speak into their life.

I have met people like this and I put on a fake smile and pressed on into whatever meaningless task I was faced with for the day.

It kills me, even to this day that I couldn't have the decency to do something, that's why when I talk to people now, good friends or even "okay" friends, I try to really find out how they are doing if I feel like something is wrong.

I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the past even though I still periodically make them. I probably make them more than I avoid them.

If I don't find myself taking risks, acting for others, and finding opportunities to shine, I'll have to face what can be my biggest enemy.

Myself.

If you're not normally a risk taker, try it sometime. Do something dangerous.

Climb a mountain.

Sky dive.

Ask a girl/guy out (I have to cater to both genders).

Live your life.

If you feel like you have missed opportunities to make a difference, don't ever forget those moments. Move on, but never forget the pain and suffering you went through, because those moments are what made you who you are today.

Move Forward, no matter what comes your way.

Mistakes can never be fixed, but you can always try to make things better than they were.

Do something selfless. Do something that will benefit a complete stranger without worry of your own well being. It's contagious, not only for yourself but for those who are watching from a distance looking for meaning in their own life.

Be somebody that will benefit not only your friends, but everyone you come in contact with throughout the day.

and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
-Before It's Too Late by The Goo Goo Dolls

Identity Crisis

At some point in everyone's life, they go through an identity crisis. What happens, is they start to ask questions that are detrimental to their growth.

Who am I?

Who should I be?

Am I heading in the right direction?

Everything in life happens for a reason. I've met a lot of people who are afraid to ask questions in life, and that's a justified feeling. But is it the right way to feel about it?

Refusing to ask questions about life and specifically who you are, will stunt your growth. You'll find yourself at this place where you are lost and confused looking for the next step, when all you had to do was investigate further into the subject of you.

Never stop asking questions. Life is too much of a mystery for you to truly believe you have all the answers let alone being able to find the answers.

An identity crisis can last for a long time, or it can take place for a short time. It's all up to the person in question. There are two possible outcomes when trying to work through this. One is healthy, while the other can be devastating.

First outcome: You learn more about yourself, and become a stronger person. You ask the question, "Who Am I?" and you find substantial answers, ones that you can hold onto. When you meet new people, you know exactly who to tell them about when describing yourself, and your close friends become better people because of your identity.

When you know who you are, those around you will start to learn more about who they are.

Second outcome: You ask the same question. "Who am I?" But instead of answers you discover more questions and the confusion spreads. The confusion slowly turns to a fear that consumes your entire being, and disables your ability to interact with others. You then turn toward this never ending self-centered quest, that alienates all of those close to you. When you do that, you lose your resources to get through life.

Your identity is a very important part of who you are but the truth is, you'll never fully understand yourself. You're going to do things you never thought would be possible by another human being, yet you'll do it.

Every day you waste away trying to find yourself, you miss an opportunity to experience life as it has been given to us. Just because, you haven't found all the answers you're looking for, that doesn't mean you have to put everything else on hold to find them.

The trick is to live your life they way you are meant to do. Sure, you may not fully understand what that is, so live as you understand it and you'll discover everything else as it comes.