Today I had a moment that destroyed me from the inside out. For those of you who follow me on twitter (which is clearly everyone), you saw that I ran into a man who was asking for money.
As I walked to my car in a Best Buy parking lot, I was stopped by a short black man wearing a green sweater. He called me sir and asked if he could have a minute of my time. I eagerly wanted to get into my car, but chose to humor him, even though I inevitably knew what he wanted. I could smell the booze on his breath. That's the problem with having a history of cynicism. I think sometimes it hurts worse when someone proves your beliefs about humanity.
He told me that he knew this wasn't the proper thing to do and kept looking away from me, breaking eye contact. He even pulled out a toothbrush/toothpaste wrapped in a wash cloth, probably to get me to take pity on him. At the end of his rant of how he's been out and about asking for money and applying for jobs on a Sunday, he finally asked me if I had any money on me.
I smiled and offered him a track about Jesus instead (kidding!), however, I did smile and I pulled out my wallet. I gave him two dollars and wished him good luck with his future endeavors. As I got into my car (vanilla bear/the white knight), I picked out my soundtrack for the ride home. I believe I put on a playlist titled "Up in the Air" named after the movie that just came out.
I started to drive away, and all I could think about was the man I met. His name is Joel and I'll probably never see him again. I know some people would tell me that I did wrong by giving him money, but I believe those people are ignorant. That's not to say that I know better, but at the same time a trait that most people lack today is empathy.
Joel changed the tone of my day. When I got home, I watched one of the movies I had purchased at Best Buy. It's called Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds. Hilarious, yet still at the back of my mind my interaction with Joel lingered.
Before I had made it to the store, I had sent out a message through Twitter (aka Tweeted) a message that said this: Empathy can be a powerful tool in the hands of someone with a pure heart.
After sharing a thought about a pure ability such as empathy, who would I have been to deny that man just a few dollars?
Money is such a small thing to offer to someone. It's too small. I tried to share more with him in what was less than five minutes. Maybe he just needed someone to look him in the eye when he asked for money. Maybe he just needed to feel like a man again.
The thing is, I have stared into the eyes of hopeless men and this man was far from being completely gone. I could tell how painful it was for him to be asking for money. I could see how lost he was. I could see his hurting and for most of the afternoon I felt a small ounce of it. I'm not saying that I could possibly know everything that he has gone through. I mean, the man apparently just got out of prison.
I wish to never come off as callous, yet at the same time I want to be authentic. This is what happened and it may dominate my world for days. I normally don't write to where I'm at and this is not cry for answers. What this is, is an opportunity to learn together. This is about taking what you know and combining it with the unknown. What is to be learned can be either breathtaking or heartbreaking.
What does the future hold? I'm not sure, but I am excited to be a part of the journey alongside my greatest friends and the ones I'm still getting to know.
Life is an adventure, there's no mistaking it for anything but that. It's the beat I follow and the theme in which I write to.
Help us all to learn to show humility in the face of adversity and turmoil. Help us all find courage for even the smallest moments of fear.
Give us the strength to do what's right in all circumstances.
-Chris Peters
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Rebirth: Growing Up
“Some people hide from who they really are, others accept who they are. But, sometimes, it’s the tough moments that help you realize who you’ve finally become.”
-J.D. From Scrubs
I always get nostalgic this time of year. Maybe it's the amount of time spent with family and all of the reminiscing that goes on or maybe it's because another year is finally closing to an end. I think a part of me may just be surprised that I was able to make it through the past 52 weeks.
It's always good to be able to look back at yourself, even if it's just a few days, and hope that you're stronger or better off than you were during that time. Looking back at the past few years, I've learned a lot about myself and who I wish to become.
I've been through a lot of insecurity and a lot of weakness and at the same time, I've learned about my courage and strengths. I've learned who I can be for people at certain times, even if that involves shutting my mouth and letting someone cry, whine, or complain.
I don't put a lot of stock into these "New Years Resolutions" and I never will. I've never understood them and so I refuse to participate. So maybe at the end of the year, we should take the time to sit back and reflect for a moment before looking ahead.
I hear people talk about how exciting the new year will be and it's because of this notion that they need to find renewal. The only problem is that change will not occur from December 31st to January 1st unless the individuals make it happen.
There's no mystical force that says, "You know...perhaps in 2010 Chris will no longer have an addiction to Haribo Gummy Bears."
It doesn't work like that!
New Years resolutions are about people wishing they had the willpower to give up something or gain something but never actually commit.
What you need, is to reflect first, then press on. Examine how you handled the situations from the previous year. Examine how you did, not what you did.
The future holds only mystery. There's no way of knowing what tomorrow holds. We can wish and dream we know what will happen but at the end of the day we'll find ourselves only wanting.
Once you analyze the past, you can begin searching for a moment of rebirth. Transformation will occur if you seek it out yet it should not be used as a crutch to support you through your journey. If you allow the idea of change to become your whole reason for living, you will become lost in a search that should remain secondary.
Life is about more than living for yourself, but without being able to take care of yourself, how can you be expected to take care of those in need around you?
The key to living can be concluded through the words of a friend:
"Do right and fear nothing...your heart is your best asset. Keep it pure."
-anonymous
-J.D. From Scrubs
I always get nostalgic this time of year. Maybe it's the amount of time spent with family and all of the reminiscing that goes on or maybe it's because another year is finally closing to an end. I think a part of me may just be surprised that I was able to make it through the past 52 weeks.
It's always good to be able to look back at yourself, even if it's just a few days, and hope that you're stronger or better off than you were during that time. Looking back at the past few years, I've learned a lot about myself and who I wish to become.
I've been through a lot of insecurity and a lot of weakness and at the same time, I've learned about my courage and strengths. I've learned who I can be for people at certain times, even if that involves shutting my mouth and letting someone cry, whine, or complain.
I don't put a lot of stock into these "New Years Resolutions" and I never will. I've never understood them and so I refuse to participate. So maybe at the end of the year, we should take the time to sit back and reflect for a moment before looking ahead.
I hear people talk about how exciting the new year will be and it's because of this notion that they need to find renewal. The only problem is that change will not occur from December 31st to January 1st unless the individuals make it happen.
There's no mystical force that says, "You know...perhaps in 2010 Chris will no longer have an addiction to Haribo Gummy Bears."
It doesn't work like that!
New Years resolutions are about people wishing they had the willpower to give up something or gain something but never actually commit.
What you need, is to reflect first, then press on. Examine how you handled the situations from the previous year. Examine how you did, not what you did.
The future holds only mystery. There's no way of knowing what tomorrow holds. We can wish and dream we know what will happen but at the end of the day we'll find ourselves only wanting.
Once you analyze the past, you can begin searching for a moment of rebirth. Transformation will occur if you seek it out yet it should not be used as a crutch to support you through your journey. If you allow the idea of change to become your whole reason for living, you will become lost in a search that should remain secondary.
Life is about more than living for yourself, but without being able to take care of yourself, how can you be expected to take care of those in need around you?
The key to living can be concluded through the words of a friend:
"Do right and fear nothing...your heart is your best asset. Keep it pure."
-anonymous
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Unshakable Force
I've been told that language shapes culture.
The leader in a group of friends can be identified by who came up with the catch phrases/one liners/cheesy puns of the group.
I would like to think within my blog I have created my own language. I use certain words and terminology that has resonated inside of me through other sources. My goal, is to believe the words I use, but sometimes I use words that I don't take the time to define. A responsible reader would go and look things up on his/her own time, but there is one word in particular that is screaming at me.
Willpower.
- self-control: the trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior.
- The unwavering strength of will to carry out one’s wishes.
- is self-discipline and determination.
I have borrowed this word from a source of inspiration for me. Most of you know that I am a comic book reader. I just love how a story can have my emotions wrapped around its fingers. One character never fails to do this.
I'm not going to talk about Hal Jordan, although he is the character I'm drawing inspiration from at the moment. He has an unshakable will.
Having a strong willpower means that you'll be able to look your deepest fear dead in the eye without flinching. I write a lot about fear. It's hard not too. Fear has led man to do horrible things and I know that it's what causes most pain.
Not everyone has strong willpower. That's not to say it's unobtainable. On the contrary, it's a totally reachable goal.
How many times have you found yourself alone feeling weak and abandoned?
Weakness, is what causes us to fail more than anything. Stumbling over road blocks is a far too periodic feeling for me. I can understand falling to your weakness, but what I can't understand is losing hope that one day you'll overcome even your deepest one.
Have you ever had a friend come to you about a situation and they don't know what to do?
You try to help them through it, but they keep going back to how they don't believe in themselves?
It's heartbreaking. It's demoralizing. It's never pathetic.
We've all been there. How do you encourage someone to never settle for defeat?
Do you show them with your own life or are there words that can help give them the strength necessary?
If there are words they lie here in this quote:
"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
-Theodore Roosevelt
Having a strong willpower is to have a soldier mindset. It's about devoting yourself to a cause or an ideal entirely all for the sake of whatever it is.
It could be for someone you care about or everyone you care about. It could be about injustice or it could be about helping a complete stranger.
"The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function: without mercy, without compassion, without remorse. All war depends upon it."
-Ronald Spiers from Band of Brothers
-Ronald Spiers from Band of Brothers
The quote ends an exchange between a fearless soldier and one caught in fear. As a soldier, you have to fight. If you don't, you will die.
Kill or be killed.
Most people repeatedly fall to their fear.
You can become crippled if you let fear control you, which leads to inaction. Often times, we lose ourselves to an inability to make movement.
Fear only controls when it's allowed to. When someone finds the strength to move forward, amazing things can happen, but finding that strength is the tricky part.
To overcome fear, you must first look at hope. Hope can be a powerful driving force, but sometimes it can be negative. The fact of the matter is, hope can stop us from living. What happens is we find something to look forward to, and for some reason we become afraid of losing it, even if we don't have it. Especially if we don't have it.
So what do we do?
We put it on a pedestal. We idolize it. It becomes our priority and we give up everything for it.
Hope can be a danger to someone running on willpower.
Where does that leave us?
It leaves us aimlessly hoping, when opportunity is right in front of us. This can be destructive and dangerous. Ultimately, I think we care far more than we should about our own safety. Life without risk is just as deadly as dying young.
The man I am tomorrow relies on the man I am today to do something. The decisions I make, the steps that I take, all factor into the future.
Sometimes all it takes is a dose of self-confidence. It's hard to find that, but when you do find a source that brings you great confidence, hold onto it and use it. Let it talk you into greatness.
We are all meant to shine. It doesn't matter how dark or scary life gets, you shine.
You shine so that others will see light. You shine so that you can be a beacon of hope.
A barricade of strength.
Where does this all come from, well, we have to end at the beginning.
It comes from The unwavering strength of will to carry out one’s wishes.
Willpower.
Where will you find your strength?
-Christopher Peters
Monday, November 23, 2009
No-Win Scenario
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."
-Winston Churchill
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am captivated by heroism. Sure believing in heroes is a very romantic notion to have living in such a cynical society but something inside of me still screams out for a chance to be a beacon of hope.
You see, that's what a hero does. They become this light that shines brighter than anything. It's all that anyone can see. It's all anyone can think about.
There is a fatal flaw that resounds in humanity. We give up on things far too easily. I think it's because somewhere along the way we decided that if something doesn't come easy it's not worth having.
I watched the new Star Trek movie twice last week (once on blu-ray I might add and it's just stunning). There is something about that movie that inspires me. Maybe it's the character of Jim Kirk that attracts my attention.
James T. Kirk doesn't believe in what is called a "no-win scenario". Everyone around him is preaching that you must know what it is like to fail, but he can't accept failure. He won't accept failure.
That's not to say that he's never failed, because no one is infallible. There is always a way for things to turn around no matter the situation.
People seem to think that if you fail at something once, you ought to give up on it. When did it become so easy for us to do this?
It sounds to me like we have become complacent with mediocrity. Settling for being "just okay" rather than being the absolute best.
"Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
-Thomas Edison
This leads me to my point.
Don't give up.
Most of the time, the thing that has been driving you to your goal, will push you over the edge before you can truly take flight.
At the end of the day, it's about passion. It's about motivation. It's about tenacity.
Chase after (insert goal here) with every ounce of your being.
When people ask you why you are killing yourself over something that seems so minuscule and worthless, don't be discouraged. There are always going to be those who don't understand what it is that you have to do.
Even those who should be the most understanding of your situation probably won't get it. When you set your mind to a fight, failure can't be an option. Quitting should be pushed farthest from your heart, even though it's going to look like the most attractive thing at times.
You can't let your desire to be done with something overwhelm what's right. Even in the end, when things don't work out for your favor, just remind yourself that sometimes pursuing something is more about the pursuit than it is the object you are pursuing.
I don't believe in no-win-scenarios. When people ask me why I won't give up, I want to be able to look at them and respond, "I don't know how."
Winston Churchill summed it up better than I ever could.
"Never, never, never give up."
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Enemy Within (A Locked Cage)
Recently I had the opportunity to encourage someone younger than me to always believe in himself. I asked him about how life was and I got to this place where I hit a chord. Maybe it was the wrong one but I asked him how his life with the ladies was.
He responded, not great...I mean it is me we're talking about here.
And there it is.
In script writing, we are encouraged to have a protagonist with a clear goal and an antagonist who tries to stop the protagonist from reaching his goal. I think I struggle with creating the villain to my stories because in life I'm the one stopping myself from reaching my goals.
I am my own worst enemy.
The problem with this goes beyond having a critical nature toward yourself. That's bound to happen. If you aren't critical of what you do, it could stunt your growth.
Have you ever found yourself in a position of pure doubt?
After all of the strength you've mustered up vanishes, you take a look in the mirror and just feel useless?
I've been there. I'm not very good at taking compliments. I never have been. I've always felt that there are far more important things for people to be doing that say, "Hey, you're incredible at what you do."
It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's mostly because I'm undeserving.
Life is full of moments. Each moment becomes about the defining of your character. There is not one distinct moment that defines you, it's all of them put together. If one moment defines who you are, life would seem pointless.
You can't sit around waiting for that moment of inspiration when motion is happening all around you. Taking your life for granted will kill all motivation to live rightly.
How do you stop yourself from being your own worst enemy?
It can be selfish to be that guy. What happened was that somewhere along the way you thought that showing humility meant destroying confidence. At each turn, you started to let people walk all over you because you wanted to remain humble, when in reality your your heart is looking for a way to find freedom.
You've built a prison that only you have the key to unlock. You have internalized all of your insecurities yet somehow they found a way to the surface and it plays into your decisions you make in everyday life.
Your trust for yourself is lost in your self-pity. Your love for yourself simply doesn't exist anymore and for what purpose?
All it does is create a shell of a human being that was meant for far greater than you give yourself credit for. At the end of the day, it's about choosing others over yourself. It's about knowing who you are and hoping that the future holds something great for you.
I encourage everyone to check yourself daily. Don't allow yourself to be lost in your own weaknesses. If possible, turn it into a strength. Turn your eyes to the horizon but beware of each step you take and cherish every moment you have.
-Chris Peters
He responded, not great...I mean it is me we're talking about here.
And there it is.
In script writing, we are encouraged to have a protagonist with a clear goal and an antagonist who tries to stop the protagonist from reaching his goal. I think I struggle with creating the villain to my stories because in life I'm the one stopping myself from reaching my goals.
I am my own worst enemy.
The problem with this goes beyond having a critical nature toward yourself. That's bound to happen. If you aren't critical of what you do, it could stunt your growth.
Have you ever found yourself in a position of pure doubt?
After all of the strength you've mustered up vanishes, you take a look in the mirror and just feel useless?
I've been there. I'm not very good at taking compliments. I never have been. I've always felt that there are far more important things for people to be doing that say, "Hey, you're incredible at what you do."
It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's mostly because I'm undeserving.
Life is full of moments. Each moment becomes about the defining of your character. There is not one distinct moment that defines you, it's all of them put together. If one moment defines who you are, life would seem pointless.
You can't sit around waiting for that moment of inspiration when motion is happening all around you. Taking your life for granted will kill all motivation to live rightly.
How do you stop yourself from being your own worst enemy?
It can be selfish to be that guy. What happened was that somewhere along the way you thought that showing humility meant destroying confidence. At each turn, you started to let people walk all over you because you wanted to remain humble, when in reality your your heart is looking for a way to find freedom.
You've built a prison that only you have the key to unlock. You have internalized all of your insecurities yet somehow they found a way to the surface and it plays into your decisions you make in everyday life.
Your trust for yourself is lost in your self-pity. Your love for yourself simply doesn't exist anymore and for what purpose?
All it does is create a shell of a human being that was meant for far greater than you give yourself credit for. At the end of the day, it's about choosing others over yourself. It's about knowing who you are and hoping that the future holds something great for you.
I encourage everyone to check yourself daily. Don't allow yourself to be lost in your own weaknesses. If possible, turn it into a strength. Turn your eyes to the horizon but beware of each step you take and cherish every moment you have.
-Chris Peters
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Long Time Reflection
I believe it was Erwin McManus who stated that all of your relationships are a reflection of your character. From your best friend to your boyfriend/girlfriend to your worst enemy, all of your relationships go into defining who you are.
So what does that mean exactly?
You may be thinking:
I'm not like my enemies, am I?
I understand being like my best friend or my girlfriend, but really, like my enemy?
Keep in mind, I did not say that you are like those who you interact with on a daily basis, I just said that your relationship with those people are a reflection of your character.
So let's start with defining character.
How you interact with someone who you don't like, is more important than how you interact with those that you are fond of. I've always felt that your true character comes out in dark moments and when you are at your worst.
So why can't we treat our character, when we feel like being hateful/spiteful/mean-spirited, the same way?
That's not to say that it's not important to treat those close to you in the right way. On the contrary, those people who are closest to you should be the most important relationships you have, so treat them as such.
When your girlfriend needs a shoulder to cry on, bring something to wipe the tears away.
When your best friend needs to vent, ready your ears for a yell fest!
When your boyfriend doesn't want to be alone, but has nothing to say, sit back and enjoy the silence.
The list goes on.
Inside all of us is the desire to be better than we were yesterday and if your relationships aren't helping you accomplish that, then you have a problem that must be fixed. I know that I've said in the past that friendships are about making sacrifices and doing what's best for your friend, but that's not always true.
Yes, sometimes you have to give up what you want so that other's can survive, but sometimes all you have to ask yourself is, what do you want?
At the end of the day, it's about who you are when it's over. True relationship relies on two individuals being better off than they were before they met the other person. If a close friend, or someone you care about greatly is taking away from your being happy, then you should reconsider that relationship.
Sure you can hope that things will chance, you can hope things will get better and things may. Sometimes, what you think you want the most, is not what you need. I know how cliche that can sound, but it's the truth.
Your relationships are everything. If you can't turn off the lights at night happy for who you have in your life, I'd think twice about who you spend your time with. This isn't to say that you should never hang out with rotten people. The point is, that those who you keep close, should build you up.
I've heard that you are who your friends are, so as for me, I'd say I'm pretty well off if this is true.
-Chris
So what does that mean exactly?
You may be thinking:
I'm not like my enemies, am I?
I understand being like my best friend or my girlfriend, but really, like my enemy?
Keep in mind, I did not say that you are like those who you interact with on a daily basis, I just said that your relationship with those people are a reflection of your character.
So let's start with defining character.
- The quality of a person.
How you interact with someone who you don't like, is more important than how you interact with those that you are fond of. I've always felt that your true character comes out in dark moments and when you are at your worst.
So why can't we treat our character, when we feel like being hateful/spiteful/mean-spirited, the same way?
That's not to say that it's not important to treat those close to you in the right way. On the contrary, those people who are closest to you should be the most important relationships you have, so treat them as such.
When your girlfriend needs a shoulder to cry on, bring something to wipe the tears away.
When your best friend needs to vent, ready your ears for a yell fest!
When your boyfriend doesn't want to be alone, but has nothing to say, sit back and enjoy the silence.
The list goes on.
Inside all of us is the desire to be better than we were yesterday and if your relationships aren't helping you accomplish that, then you have a problem that must be fixed. I know that I've said in the past that friendships are about making sacrifices and doing what's best for your friend, but that's not always true.
Yes, sometimes you have to give up what you want so that other's can survive, but sometimes all you have to ask yourself is, what do you want?
At the end of the day, it's about who you are when it's over. True relationship relies on two individuals being better off than they were before they met the other person. If a close friend, or someone you care about greatly is taking away from your being happy, then you should reconsider that relationship.
Sure you can hope that things will chance, you can hope things will get better and things may. Sometimes, what you think you want the most, is not what you need. I know how cliche that can sound, but it's the truth.
Your relationships are everything. If you can't turn off the lights at night happy for who you have in your life, I'd think twice about who you spend your time with. This isn't to say that you should never hang out with rotten people. The point is, that those who you keep close, should build you up.
I've heard that you are who your friends are, so as for me, I'd say I'm pretty well off if this is true.
-Chris
Thursday, October 22, 2009
A Tragic Mistake
It seems as though something tragic has happened to human kind. We have found a way to let our circumstances define who we are.
You see it everywhere. In a world full of individuals, all we are is a career, or a mistake, or a relationship status.
I'm guilty of letting the fact that I'm single play into decisions I make when the fact that I'm single shouldn't actually belong in that conversation.
I look at homeless people. To label a man by his lack of housing, is horrible. It's even more ridiculous when he knows that's what he is. I was told tonight, there are no second chances. You have one shot to make it in the world.
I couldn't figure out how to tell a man without hope that he was wrong. You see, he's accepted the fact that he'll probably die on the streets. I know that sounds insensitive, but I've seen hopeless eyes enough to know how he feels. The problem is, he is homeless by his circumstance, not by identity, yet he's let his identity become about him not having a roof to sleep under.
It's seen everywhere. How many of us have had our hearts set on a career?
"So What do you do?"
"Oh, I'm a lawyer."
"Oh, I'm a singer."
"Oh, I'm a writer."
The truth of the matter is, this is only a part of who you are. You are so much more than a career. I've heard baseball players talk about nothing but their pitching form, writers speaking nothing but their style, and students who only study and for what?
If all I did was write, if all I did was think about writing, what good would I be?
We live in such a diverse world with opportunity at every corner, and so many people miss out on life because of who they've let themselves become.
Have you ever made a mistake, big or small, and it consumed everything about you?
For weeks and months all you could think about was that one mistake, and because of this it effected everything from your relationships to your soul. Your mistake owned you and it took control of your actions, thoughts, and dreams.
Most of the time, our identity is lost in moments like these and it's hard to pull out of. The trick is to own your mistake. It's not that what you did was right, it's a mistake for a reason, but you're going to keep making the same mistake over and over again, until you move past it. The only way to move on at times, is to let go of things.
In the end, you have to take a moment and ask yourself the question, who am I?
Where does my identity lie and how can I reclaim it if it's lost?
To be truthful, I can't answer this question for myself, let alone anyone else. I know that, we can search together and hopefully in that manner we'll find the right answers, but until then all I can do is offer my prayer and help along the way.
As I've said in the past, let's try to do this together. Life was not meant to be done alone.
-Christopher 'Fatboy' Peters
You see it everywhere. In a world full of individuals, all we are is a career, or a mistake, or a relationship status.
I'm guilty of letting the fact that I'm single play into decisions I make when the fact that I'm single shouldn't actually belong in that conversation.
I look at homeless people. To label a man by his lack of housing, is horrible. It's even more ridiculous when he knows that's what he is. I was told tonight, there are no second chances. You have one shot to make it in the world.
I couldn't figure out how to tell a man without hope that he was wrong. You see, he's accepted the fact that he'll probably die on the streets. I know that sounds insensitive, but I've seen hopeless eyes enough to know how he feels. The problem is, he is homeless by his circumstance, not by identity, yet he's let his identity become about him not having a roof to sleep under.
It's seen everywhere. How many of us have had our hearts set on a career?
"So What do you do?"
"Oh, I'm a lawyer."
"Oh, I'm a singer."
"Oh, I'm a writer."
The truth of the matter is, this is only a part of who you are. You are so much more than a career. I've heard baseball players talk about nothing but their pitching form, writers speaking nothing but their style, and students who only study and for what?
If all I did was write, if all I did was think about writing, what good would I be?
We live in such a diverse world with opportunity at every corner, and so many people miss out on life because of who they've let themselves become.
Have you ever made a mistake, big or small, and it consumed everything about you?
For weeks and months all you could think about was that one mistake, and because of this it effected everything from your relationships to your soul. Your mistake owned you and it took control of your actions, thoughts, and dreams.
Most of the time, our identity is lost in moments like these and it's hard to pull out of. The trick is to own your mistake. It's not that what you did was right, it's a mistake for a reason, but you're going to keep making the same mistake over and over again, until you move past it. The only way to move on at times, is to let go of things.
In the end, you have to take a moment and ask yourself the question, who am I?
Where does my identity lie and how can I reclaim it if it's lost?
To be truthful, I can't answer this question for myself, let alone anyone else. I know that, we can search together and hopefully in that manner we'll find the right answers, but until then all I can do is offer my prayer and help along the way.
As I've said in the past, let's try to do this together. Life was not meant to be done alone.
-Christopher 'Fatboy' Peters
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Staring Into the Hearts of the Downcast
I did not intend to write anything more until I followed through with my challenge I established in my previous entry, but something came up. I don't have much to say but I have to share a story and if I don't write about it now, it's not going to get done.
Tonight I went out with some friends for the first time this semester to distribute food and conversation with our friends who are homeless. There was a sense of anxiety between the group because it's been a while since we've been out there and it was a justified feeling because there were few people we knew when we got there.
It was an emotionally draining experience for me personally. Thankfully, God kept me together but I met a few women who were wasted. One woman was just drunk while the other was high and drunk. Cathy was the first woman I talked to and she had been through a lot. My heart truly went out to her as she plead for us to look out for a shelter that would take her in. She told me that she was an alcoholic but she was willing to give it up to get straight.
It's hard to believe in people, when they say they want to sober up but take gulps of their beer as they express that desire to you. It's hard to look past the pain when I am so blessed. It's hard to look people in the eye and tell them that all you can do is pray for them and listen to their problems.
I live a selfish life. God has truly blessed and it crushes me to the core when I see people in more need than me. Most of these people are on the streets for just reasons, but where are the people stepping up to take care of them?
Just because certain people deserve death, doesn't mean we should give it to them.
Another woman I met tonight made me extremely uncomfortable. She wouldn't stop touching me and a few times got right in my face. Her name was Franny and she was high/drunk and not lightly. She was messed up.
I heard her share her story about 5 times. She asked me how old I was every 10 minutes and told me she had a 25 year old daughter who lives in Arizona every 15 minutes. Her story was tragic and she was a trouble maker.
She told me she had my back and she kept telling me I was like a son to her. I had never met her before. As I sat in the ant-filled grass next to her, she would interrupt herself in the middle of a thought and ask me why I was there. She would look me in the eyes with tears forming and say why are you still here?
I couldn't answer her question although I gave her a different one every time.
At one point I just told her I felt that God wanted me here whereas another time I just said, I'm just here.
It seems selfish to me that I feel hurt when I see other's pain but that's what happens sometimes.
Empathy is a powerful emotion that we all should latch onto every now and again. But empathy can only get you so far without action. Without acting upon those empathy it turns into is pity.
Life can be precious but it kill you at times. When you see other people who are worse off than you, it serves as a reminder that you're well taken care of.
I have another challenge.
Think about your life.
Think about who you are.
Think about the most painful experience you've ever been in.
Think about losing someone or something that you treasured.
Think about all of the times you could've been there for a friend but you didn't show up.
Now stop thinking about things and be somebody.
Be somebody that will make a difference in the world.
Be somebody that will bring change to those around you.
Be somebody that people look up to.
Lead.
Love.
Learn.
Live.
Greatness is something that has to be forced out of people at times. It's not something that comes naturally to anyone, but when it is unleashed everyone else better stand back out of the way because you will become a force to be reckoned with.
Let's grow together and live together. Life should not be tried alone.
Tonight I went out with some friends for the first time this semester to distribute food and conversation with our friends who are homeless. There was a sense of anxiety between the group because it's been a while since we've been out there and it was a justified feeling because there were few people we knew when we got there.
It was an emotionally draining experience for me personally. Thankfully, God kept me together but I met a few women who were wasted. One woman was just drunk while the other was high and drunk. Cathy was the first woman I talked to and she had been through a lot. My heart truly went out to her as she plead for us to look out for a shelter that would take her in. She told me that she was an alcoholic but she was willing to give it up to get straight.
It's hard to believe in people, when they say they want to sober up but take gulps of their beer as they express that desire to you. It's hard to look past the pain when I am so blessed. It's hard to look people in the eye and tell them that all you can do is pray for them and listen to their problems.
I live a selfish life. God has truly blessed and it crushes me to the core when I see people in more need than me. Most of these people are on the streets for just reasons, but where are the people stepping up to take care of them?
Just because certain people deserve death, doesn't mean we should give it to them.
Another woman I met tonight made me extremely uncomfortable. She wouldn't stop touching me and a few times got right in my face. Her name was Franny and she was high/drunk and not lightly. She was messed up.
I heard her share her story about 5 times. She asked me how old I was every 10 minutes and told me she had a 25 year old daughter who lives in Arizona every 15 minutes. Her story was tragic and she was a trouble maker.
She told me she had my back and she kept telling me I was like a son to her. I had never met her before. As I sat in the ant-filled grass next to her, she would interrupt herself in the middle of a thought and ask me why I was there. She would look me in the eyes with tears forming and say why are you still here?
I couldn't answer her question although I gave her a different one every time.
At one point I just told her I felt that God wanted me here whereas another time I just said, I'm just here.
It seems selfish to me that I feel hurt when I see other's pain but that's what happens sometimes.
Empathy is a powerful emotion that we all should latch onto every now and again. But empathy can only get you so far without action. Without acting upon those empathy it turns into is pity.
Life can be precious but it kill you at times. When you see other people who are worse off than you, it serves as a reminder that you're well taken care of.
I have another challenge.
Think about your life.
Think about who you are.
Think about the most painful experience you've ever been in.
Think about losing someone or something that you treasured.
Think about all of the times you could've been there for a friend but you didn't show up.
Now stop thinking about things and be somebody.
Be somebody that will make a difference in the world.
Be somebody that will bring change to those around you.
Be somebody that people look up to.
Lead.
Love.
Learn.
Live.
Greatness is something that has to be forced out of people at times. It's not something that comes naturally to anyone, but when it is unleashed everyone else better stand back out of the way because you will become a force to be reckoned with.
Let's grow together and live together. Life should not be tried alone.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Begin With the End in Mind (a borrowed title)
There's a conversation that comes up a lot that I've never really discussed.
Is man good or are we evil?
Are we born and automatically bad and then learn how to be good or is it the other way around? Are we born good and just learn how to do evil?
It's something that's discussed often and I've never fully given it much thought because ultimately it doesn't matter. But for the sake of conversation I want to throw a middle ground option here. Why must everything be black and white? Why does a gray area have to be a bad thing?
Why can't it just be that area that dwindles somewhere in between what's reality and what is false?
What if man is just born. What if he is not born good or bad, but he just exists. Most would assume that the optimistic approach is that we are born evil and have the capacity for great good and that the pessimistic view would be just the opposite. But what if we have the capacity for both great evil and great good?
I lean more toward this line of thinking. We have an unbound source to do great either way. Our capacity for good is just as powerful as our capacity to do bad. In the end it's about who we let into our lives. Who will influence us the most?
Parents.
Peers.
Media.
Education.
Faith.
You.
At the end of the day it's about motives. It's about who you choose to be and why you choose to be him or her. You cannot blame someone else for your actions. If you're immature, it's because you chose to be. Sure there are outside influences that effect what you do, but in the long run, your soul is yours and what you do changes who you are.
You just have to decide who you are and who you want to be. It starts whenever you're ready. It's starts right now.
It starts here.
I have a challenge for those of you who are willing to participate.
I want you to think about a funeral. Everyone you know is there. Your closest friends and family are all gathered around a coffin and the one who knows you the most stands up to give the eulogy. You aren't present in the crowd for you realize that the tears are for you.
This is your funeral. You died unexpectedly and here we all are now mourning your loss.
At funerals they tend to talk about the character of the person who died. Here's the challenge. Write your own eulogy. Write what you think would be said about you. Be honest. Be extreme. be harsh.
I think if all of us were to take an honest look at ourselves, we would become more depressed and feel really really bad about who we are.
Once you've done this, think about it. Think about who you are with people and how that effects your own life. After you're done feeling bad for yourself, write a separate eulogy.
Now write the one that you want to be read at your funeral. Think about who you aren't and how you want to be that person. If you want to be one who inspires, write that down.
If you want to be the one who always makes people smile or laugh, write that down!
Self examination is necessary with moving on in life. I'm going to do this as well and I hope that this experiment helps people ask questions about themselves because in the end, we all have a long way to go.
So let's do life together.
-Chris 'Fatboy' Peters
Is man good or are we evil?
Are we born and automatically bad and then learn how to be good or is it the other way around? Are we born good and just learn how to do evil?
It's something that's discussed often and I've never fully given it much thought because ultimately it doesn't matter. But for the sake of conversation I want to throw a middle ground option here. Why must everything be black and white? Why does a gray area have to be a bad thing?
Why can't it just be that area that dwindles somewhere in between what's reality and what is false?
What if man is just born. What if he is not born good or bad, but he just exists. Most would assume that the optimistic approach is that we are born evil and have the capacity for great good and that the pessimistic view would be just the opposite. But what if we have the capacity for both great evil and great good?
I lean more toward this line of thinking. We have an unbound source to do great either way. Our capacity for good is just as powerful as our capacity to do bad. In the end it's about who we let into our lives. Who will influence us the most?
Parents.
Peers.
Media.
Education.
Faith.
You.
At the end of the day it's about motives. It's about who you choose to be and why you choose to be him or her. You cannot blame someone else for your actions. If you're immature, it's because you chose to be. Sure there are outside influences that effect what you do, but in the long run, your soul is yours and what you do changes who you are.
You just have to decide who you are and who you want to be. It starts whenever you're ready. It's starts right now.
It starts here.
I have a challenge for those of you who are willing to participate.
I want you to think about a funeral. Everyone you know is there. Your closest friends and family are all gathered around a coffin and the one who knows you the most stands up to give the eulogy. You aren't present in the crowd for you realize that the tears are for you.
This is your funeral. You died unexpectedly and here we all are now mourning your loss.
At funerals they tend to talk about the character of the person who died. Here's the challenge. Write your own eulogy. Write what you think would be said about you. Be honest. Be extreme. be harsh.
I think if all of us were to take an honest look at ourselves, we would become more depressed and feel really really bad about who we are.
Once you've done this, think about it. Think about who you are with people and how that effects your own life. After you're done feeling bad for yourself, write a separate eulogy.
Now write the one that you want to be read at your funeral. Think about who you aren't and how you want to be that person. If you want to be one who inspires, write that down.
If you want to be the one who always makes people smile or laugh, write that down!
Self examination is necessary with moving on in life. I'm going to do this as well and I hope that this experiment helps people ask questions about themselves because in the end, we all have a long way to go.
So let's do life together.
-Chris 'Fatboy' Peters
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Missed Opportunities
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Disappointment is a hard feeling to cope with. Whether it be that you're disappointed in someone else or that someone else is disappointed in you, it can really hurt.
It's not just disappointment. You can replace to word with anything that fits for you. Most harsh feelings are hard to deal with.
Problems occur in every relationship. There's no such thing as a perfect one regardless of how great things may seem in your life. Sure you may ignore problems but eventually the water comes to a boiling point.
Moving on.
Why is that so hard?
Most of the time, we can't move on from situations that hurt us, because we haven't let them go. That could mean that someone is holding something over you or it could mean that you're having internal problems that haven't surfaced yet. Normally, it's the second one that takes place but that doesn't negate the first one.
When internal problems do surface, it's as if you run into a brick wall. That wall is reality. Maybe your problems surfaced so that you could face them head on. It's a tough place to have to confront people, it's even harder to have to confront yourself.
You may get to a place where you feel like everything is taken care of, yet you still can't move on.
If you're there, I can't really help you, because timing is the only thing that is holding you back. Timing is something you cannot force into operation or to do something for you.
Quite frankly, time can be my biggest enemy. I'm a fixer. If something is wrong in my life, I have to isolate the problem and take care of it immediately. In a perfect world, I could move on from situations very easily. But this isn't my perfect world. This world has unnecessary factors, such as people.
People, no matter how much you think you get, will always surprise you. We are the most unpredictable of all creation. We have the capacity for endless vanity and selflessness all in the same body.
I have a lot of problems that I have to face one at a time. Sometimes, they can just build up and start knocking me to the ground. I feel a storm coming, which will cause massive emotional and physical pain.
I'd like to say that I'll be able to handle it, but to be completely honest, I don't know how much more I can take.
The thing is, all of the pain I've gone through, from my relationships to physical hurt, I have made it through. I never thought I would and I hoped and prayed that I would never have these problems again.
So here I am again. Stronger. Better. Smarter...Yet I'm weak, mediocre, and stupid, because I'm facing more of the same problems.
My point in saying all of this is not to come off with a low self-esteem, although many will read it that way. What I'm trying to say is that even though I've only lived a short amount of time, a lot of the problems we go through will rehash themselves. They'll take form in a different setting, with different people, but it will be the same you.
I'd love to end this by saying, "Let go and let God." But I don't think that's the end of this. I think that's the beginning because in the end, when it seems like something is ending, normally a greater part of your journey is about to start.
Live with great expectation. Risk in the here and now. Dare to be better.
At the end of the day, your life is yours to live. Trust in that and trust that everything will be okay.
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Disappointment is a hard feeling to cope with. Whether it be that you're disappointed in someone else or that someone else is disappointed in you, it can really hurt.
It's not just disappointment. You can replace to word with anything that fits for you. Most harsh feelings are hard to deal with.
Problems occur in every relationship. There's no such thing as a perfect one regardless of how great things may seem in your life. Sure you may ignore problems but eventually the water comes to a boiling point.
Moving on.
Why is that so hard?
Most of the time, we can't move on from situations that hurt us, because we haven't let them go. That could mean that someone is holding something over you or it could mean that you're having internal problems that haven't surfaced yet. Normally, it's the second one that takes place but that doesn't negate the first one.
When internal problems do surface, it's as if you run into a brick wall. That wall is reality. Maybe your problems surfaced so that you could face them head on. It's a tough place to have to confront people, it's even harder to have to confront yourself.
You may get to a place where you feel like everything is taken care of, yet you still can't move on.
If you're there, I can't really help you, because timing is the only thing that is holding you back. Timing is something you cannot force into operation or to do something for you.
Quite frankly, time can be my biggest enemy. I'm a fixer. If something is wrong in my life, I have to isolate the problem and take care of it immediately. In a perfect world, I could move on from situations very easily. But this isn't my perfect world. This world has unnecessary factors, such as people.
People, no matter how much you think you get, will always surprise you. We are the most unpredictable of all creation. We have the capacity for endless vanity and selflessness all in the same body.
I have a lot of problems that I have to face one at a time. Sometimes, they can just build up and start knocking me to the ground. I feel a storm coming, which will cause massive emotional and physical pain.
I'd like to say that I'll be able to handle it, but to be completely honest, I don't know how much more I can take.
The thing is, all of the pain I've gone through, from my relationships to physical hurt, I have made it through. I never thought I would and I hoped and prayed that I would never have these problems again.
So here I am again. Stronger. Better. Smarter...Yet I'm weak, mediocre, and stupid, because I'm facing more of the same problems.
My point in saying all of this is not to come off with a low self-esteem, although many will read it that way. What I'm trying to say is that even though I've only lived a short amount of time, a lot of the problems we go through will rehash themselves. They'll take form in a different setting, with different people, but it will be the same you.
I'd love to end this by saying, "Let go and let God." But I don't think that's the end of this. I think that's the beginning because in the end, when it seems like something is ending, normally a greater part of your journey is about to start.
Live with great expectation. Risk in the here and now. Dare to be better.
At the end of the day, your life is yours to live. Trust in that and trust that everything will be okay.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Signal Fire/ Winning Losers
The perfect words never crossed my mind
Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me
All I wanted just sped right past
As I was rooted fast to the Earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out
There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety
-Snow Patrol (Signal Fire)
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a moment and couldn't muster up the strength to pull yourself out of it?
You found yourself frozen, as if everything around you is moving but you're legs are cemented into the ground. No matter how hard you try you just can't look past the moment you are in.
Life has a way of making things difficult for you. It doesn't matter what situation you are in, sometimes it's just going to get tough.
Two years ago I thought my world was falling apart (clearly it didn't) and life was just plain dirty. I felt completely useless and awkward but for what?
I know how ambiguous that sounded, but go ahead and trust the information. I got through those problems and here I am today, much stronger of a person for it.
Shifting gears, something happened recently that really got me thinking.
I had a friend share something she was going through and I asked her if she wanted my advice. Ultimately, I told her to cut and run in regards to what she was struggling through. She basically ignored that, which didn't bother me. Generally, we hear what we want to hear and only take the advice that doesn't contradict what we already thought we should do in the first place. I know I do that.
About a week goes by and I get a text message from this friend. It said "You Won."
First of all, I had no idea what she was talking about. My first thought was that this person was crazy, but regardless I asked her what she meant. She told me that I was right about the situation and she eventually decided to cut and run.
What boggles my mind about the situation is that I never saw it as a game. I never thought that I had to be right in the situation. Honestly, I wish I wasn't right. There is seldom any joy in the aftermath of moments like these.
I just want to encourage everyone and say that sometimes when you are honest with your friends, the outcome will appear to be wrong at first. It will look as though you made a bad decision while handling the situation. Even when your friend turns around and says they should've listened to you, you shouldn't find joy in that. You should empathize and share your friend's pain.
In those moments, you must become a listener and a shoulder to cry on.
At the end of the day, it's about how you want to be seen by those closest to you. Are you willing to sacrifice a need to be right all the time, to share with someone's heartache?
Whether you realize it or not, people remember when you're there for them. If you're strong for them now, one day they'll turn around and return the favor.
Shine on.
-Chris
Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me
All I wanted just sped right past
As I was rooted fast to the Earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out
There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety
-Snow Patrol (Signal Fire)
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a moment and couldn't muster up the strength to pull yourself out of it?
You found yourself frozen, as if everything around you is moving but you're legs are cemented into the ground. No matter how hard you try you just can't look past the moment you are in.
Life has a way of making things difficult for you. It doesn't matter what situation you are in, sometimes it's just going to get tough.
Two years ago I thought my world was falling apart (clearly it didn't) and life was just plain dirty. I felt completely useless and awkward but for what?
I know how ambiguous that sounded, but go ahead and trust the information. I got through those problems and here I am today, much stronger of a person for it.
Shifting gears, something happened recently that really got me thinking.
I had a friend share something she was going through and I asked her if she wanted my advice. Ultimately, I told her to cut and run in regards to what she was struggling through. She basically ignored that, which didn't bother me. Generally, we hear what we want to hear and only take the advice that doesn't contradict what we already thought we should do in the first place. I know I do that.
About a week goes by and I get a text message from this friend. It said "You Won."
First of all, I had no idea what she was talking about. My first thought was that this person was crazy, but regardless I asked her what she meant. She told me that I was right about the situation and she eventually decided to cut and run.
What boggles my mind about the situation is that I never saw it as a game. I never thought that I had to be right in the situation. Honestly, I wish I wasn't right. There is seldom any joy in the aftermath of moments like these.
I just want to encourage everyone and say that sometimes when you are honest with your friends, the outcome will appear to be wrong at first. It will look as though you made a bad decision while handling the situation. Even when your friend turns around and says they should've listened to you, you shouldn't find joy in that. You should empathize and share your friend's pain.
In those moments, you must become a listener and a shoulder to cry on.
At the end of the day, it's about how you want to be seen by those closest to you. Are you willing to sacrifice a need to be right all the time, to share with someone's heartache?
Whether you realize it or not, people remember when you're there for them. If you're strong for them now, one day they'll turn around and return the favor.
Shine on.
-Chris
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Let It All Out
I find it incredible that I can hold onto something for a long time. I'll just be going about my normal business and someone will walk by, reminding me what I don't like about either him/her or just someone that hurt me a long time ago.
I wonder why we do this. Why is it that we can't forgive those who have wronged us?
I think the main reason why it's hard to move on is acceptance. Acceptance is the key to forgiveness.
It's amazing how the two go hand in hand. For example, you ask a friend of yours to be blunt with you and tell them what they really think of you. They do that. Now you're offended. You're mad. You ignore this person to the point that you're not talking anymore, when at the beginning you asked them to be honest.
How can you forgive someone who feels that way about you?
First of all you have to analyze what was said. If they said you're too controlling, take an honest look at yourself. Are you?
If they said that you're too mean. Ask yourself, Am I?
I know these seem very basic, but bare with me. Most of the time the things that are said about us are true, whether we want to admit that or not. The trick is to not let it get you down and move past it as a person. Life is going to get lonely if we take offense to everything negative said about us.
At the end of the day it's about accepting that we may not have everything figured out. It's about giving up control and finding a balance of acceptance and forgiveness.
Not everything negative said about you is going to be true, but you can't let that get in the way of your relationships, even the ones with the people you may or may not like.
Life is too short to let every little thing bother you, but it's not long enough to hold onto the big things either. Sometimes, giving someone an opportunity to let you speak is all that's needed to find forgiveness in your heart. Sometimes, forgiving someone for not giving you a chance to explain yourself is what you need to make it through the day.
Life is full of surprises that God keeps throwing at you. No one is ready for the days ahead, no matter how prepared they say they are.
To forgive is one of the most relieving things a man can do to those who have hurt him. To be forgiven can build friendships you never knew were possible.
In the end, not everyone will forgive you or accept your forgiveness. In those moments, you have to just smile and carry on, even if that means losing something you care about. Even if that means giving up what you want the most.
I wonder why we do this. Why is it that we can't forgive those who have wronged us?
I think the main reason why it's hard to move on is acceptance. Acceptance is the key to forgiveness.
It's amazing how the two go hand in hand. For example, you ask a friend of yours to be blunt with you and tell them what they really think of you. They do that. Now you're offended. You're mad. You ignore this person to the point that you're not talking anymore, when at the beginning you asked them to be honest.
How can you forgive someone who feels that way about you?
First of all you have to analyze what was said. If they said you're too controlling, take an honest look at yourself. Are you?
If they said that you're too mean. Ask yourself, Am I?
I know these seem very basic, but bare with me. Most of the time the things that are said about us are true, whether we want to admit that or not. The trick is to not let it get you down and move past it as a person. Life is going to get lonely if we take offense to everything negative said about us.
At the end of the day it's about accepting that we may not have everything figured out. It's about giving up control and finding a balance of acceptance and forgiveness.
Not everything negative said about you is going to be true, but you can't let that get in the way of your relationships, even the ones with the people you may or may not like.
Life is too short to let every little thing bother you, but it's not long enough to hold onto the big things either. Sometimes, giving someone an opportunity to let you speak is all that's needed to find forgiveness in your heart. Sometimes, forgiving someone for not giving you a chance to explain yourself is what you need to make it through the day.
Life is full of surprises that God keeps throwing at you. No one is ready for the days ahead, no matter how prepared they say they are.
To forgive is one of the most relieving things a man can do to those who have hurt him. To be forgiven can build friendships you never knew were possible.
In the end, not everyone will forgive you or accept your forgiveness. In those moments, you have to just smile and carry on, even if that means losing something you care about. Even if that means giving up what you want the most.
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Soul's Outlet
They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew
Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
-Acoustic # 3 by The Goo Goo Dolls ( rearranged for relevance)
Have you ever found yourself in a setting where a question was asked, and you just want to scream out your answer with a passionate fire, yet you say nothing? In fact, not only do you do nothing, you feel like your very being is more meaningless than it ever was before.
I think at some point in everyone's life they have this moment where they are looking for their voice. And I don't mean to say that like a cheesy Disney film starring Hilary Duff or Miley Cyrus about facing your destiny in music, singing at the top of your lungs while discovering the best of both worlds (Film Idea!).
What I'm talking about is this desire to be heard. Within each of us is this passion of discovery. Most journey's start with a question of your own character.
Who Am I, really?
Great adventure relies on the need of self-discovery.
I once heard that the notion of "finding yourself" is a ridiculous one, and I agree with it. You are who you are in the present. You can dream about who you will become in the future and dread who you were in the past, but ultimately your heart is seen in the here and now.
One of the most devastating things in life is to go through it without ever truly discovering your voice. I understand those with an introverted nature. I'm one of you.
You're my people!
Have you ever been asked a question that you have an answer to, but someone else (mother, father, brother, sister, friend) answered for you?
I grew up with my father answering for me, and it wasn't his fault. I was just plain shy. I understand the intimidation of a parental figure. It wasn't until college that I truly started to ask the question of who I am. I dabbled with the thoughts in high school, but I really started to focus in on who I was when my freshman year came about.
I used to hide behind my father's voice, and if you don't know him, I love my dad. Every now and again he'll try to answer for me, and I'll yell at him. "Dad, I got this one...actually what he said sounds good, yeah fries and a coke. Thanks."
All throughout life we hear voices. We hear from our parents, peers, media, church, the school system, and they are all telling us different things at times. What you have to realize is that there is merit to all of them, but at the end of the day the voice that matters isn't any of these listed.
There are two voices you should be concerned with and one of them is your own.
I'm sure this is confusing, so allow me to pose a few questions.
How do I find my voice?
Well first off, stop talking and listen. Search deep within your soul and find that locked door. Maybe you locked it, maybe someone else did, but you'll hear someone hitting the door from the inside screaming for you to let them out!
It should sound like you.
How do I unlock the door?
I don't have an answer. It's different for everyone. Generally speaking, it all comes down to overcoming your fears and insecurities. It's about finding that place where you get over, what everyone else thinks and then you are able to share with others.
Now, you're free, but that's not the end of it. Just because you now have an idea of what you believe, that doesn't mean you'll be able to articulate it. This is probably the hardest part. Getting over your fear of what others think about you. I'm not saying that you have to be a jerk, God knows there are too many of those in the world.
What I'm saying is that what people think about you, is a pointless fear to have because deep down they are just as screwed up and stupid as you (think) you are.
Your voice is an outlet for the soul.
It can be found through many things. You can literally speak, you can write, you can sing, you can play an instrument, you can have a heart to heart with someone, etc. Overall, life is too precious to go through without knowing who you are and want you want, and whether or not you'd be willing to sacrifice for the betterment of others.
The first step to finding your voice:
1. Forget everything you know about yourself and start over.
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew
Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
-Acoustic # 3 by The Goo Goo Dolls ( rearranged for relevance)
Have you ever found yourself in a setting where a question was asked, and you just want to scream out your answer with a passionate fire, yet you say nothing? In fact, not only do you do nothing, you feel like your very being is more meaningless than it ever was before.
I think at some point in everyone's life they have this moment where they are looking for their voice. And I don't mean to say that like a cheesy Disney film starring Hilary Duff or Miley Cyrus about facing your destiny in music, singing at the top of your lungs while discovering the best of both worlds (Film Idea!).
What I'm talking about is this desire to be heard. Within each of us is this passion of discovery. Most journey's start with a question of your own character.
Who Am I, really?
Great adventure relies on the need of self-discovery.
I once heard that the notion of "finding yourself" is a ridiculous one, and I agree with it. You are who you are in the present. You can dream about who you will become in the future and dread who you were in the past, but ultimately your heart is seen in the here and now.
One of the most devastating things in life is to go through it without ever truly discovering your voice. I understand those with an introverted nature. I'm one of you.
You're my people!
Have you ever been asked a question that you have an answer to, but someone else (mother, father, brother, sister, friend) answered for you?
I grew up with my father answering for me, and it wasn't his fault. I was just plain shy. I understand the intimidation of a parental figure. It wasn't until college that I truly started to ask the question of who I am. I dabbled with the thoughts in high school, but I really started to focus in on who I was when my freshman year came about.
I used to hide behind my father's voice, and if you don't know him, I love my dad. Every now and again he'll try to answer for me, and I'll yell at him. "Dad, I got this one...actually what he said sounds good, yeah fries and a coke. Thanks."
All throughout life we hear voices. We hear from our parents, peers, media, church, the school system, and they are all telling us different things at times. What you have to realize is that there is merit to all of them, but at the end of the day the voice that matters isn't any of these listed.
There are two voices you should be concerned with and one of them is your own.
I'm sure this is confusing, so allow me to pose a few questions.
How do I find my voice?
Well first off, stop talking and listen. Search deep within your soul and find that locked door. Maybe you locked it, maybe someone else did, but you'll hear someone hitting the door from the inside screaming for you to let them out!
It should sound like you.
How do I unlock the door?
I don't have an answer. It's different for everyone. Generally speaking, it all comes down to overcoming your fears and insecurities. It's about finding that place where you get over, what everyone else thinks and then you are able to share with others.
Now, you're free, but that's not the end of it. Just because you now have an idea of what you believe, that doesn't mean you'll be able to articulate it. This is probably the hardest part. Getting over your fear of what others think about you. I'm not saying that you have to be a jerk, God knows there are too many of those in the world.
What I'm saying is that what people think about you, is a pointless fear to have because deep down they are just as screwed up and stupid as you (think) you are.
Your voice is an outlet for the soul.
It can be found through many things. You can literally speak, you can write, you can sing, you can play an instrument, you can have a heart to heart with someone, etc. Overall, life is too precious to go through without knowing who you are and want you want, and whether or not you'd be willing to sacrifice for the betterment of others.
The first step to finding your voice:
1. Forget everything you know about yourself and start over.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Sometimes The Best Voice is the One That Shuts Up
Tonight, my friend Aaron and I were in the school's cafe in line for food and we made a friend.
Honestly, I don't remember his name but I can tell you his story. He's from New York City (more specifically Queens) and he grew up/lives/breaths Disney. His favorite two Disney cartoons are Aladdin and Peter Pan. He loves roller coasters and his very first one was Space Mountain at Disney World. He's got over 200 VHS tapes of Disney Movies.
I know what you're thinking, Chris Peters is a stalker, but please, bear with me.
We didn't have to ask much for him to open up about all of this and quite frankly he had a lot more to say. I just think it's incredible that within each of us lies this desire to be noticed. Whether we want the acceptance of friends, family, spouses or co-workers, we crave it.
I think it's amazing that we had the chance to meet him, but at the same time I'm so sorry that we had to be those guys.
Allow me to clarify. Someone somewhere along the way dropped the ball and did not lend an ear when they were meant to. Now granted, we did and maybe we were supposed to, but we were placed in that moment and in that part of the line for that very reason. The only problem is, we had to leave. We could only be a small part of the conversation in his life. He invited us to sit and eat with him, but we had things we were on a time line to finish up and in that moment my heart felt for him.
The problem is, yes I felt for him, I really did but I also moved on quickly because my mind was on other things.
If I had been more focused on the conversation, maybe I would've helped to make more of an impact. Maybe I could've done better.
The truth is, I'd like to think that Aaron and I accomplished something great by listening to him but I feel like I could've done more. I'll never forget him, and I hope to talk to him in the future, but more importantly I hope that someone else finds the courage to help him along the way. Sometimes we can only do so much and then someone else is supposed to step in and offer something better.
I know that I've had my own problems with keeping relationships intact over the years as it is.
I don't really have a solution to this. Normally I'm able to wrap things up with a quote or a line from a song, but tonight as I write this I just have some questions and understand that I'm asking this to myself as well as to those who are reading this.
What could you do to make those around you better?
What needs to happen for you to start changing the world?
Who will you choose to be?
Think about it.
Honestly, I don't remember his name but I can tell you his story. He's from New York City (more specifically Queens) and he grew up/lives/breaths Disney. His favorite two Disney cartoons are Aladdin and Peter Pan. He loves roller coasters and his very first one was Space Mountain at Disney World. He's got over 200 VHS tapes of Disney Movies.
I know what you're thinking, Chris Peters is a stalker, but please, bear with me.
We didn't have to ask much for him to open up about all of this and quite frankly he had a lot more to say. I just think it's incredible that within each of us lies this desire to be noticed. Whether we want the acceptance of friends, family, spouses or co-workers, we crave it.
I think it's amazing that we had the chance to meet him, but at the same time I'm so sorry that we had to be those guys.
Allow me to clarify. Someone somewhere along the way dropped the ball and did not lend an ear when they were meant to. Now granted, we did and maybe we were supposed to, but we were placed in that moment and in that part of the line for that very reason. The only problem is, we had to leave. We could only be a small part of the conversation in his life. He invited us to sit and eat with him, but we had things we were on a time line to finish up and in that moment my heart felt for him.
The problem is, yes I felt for him, I really did but I also moved on quickly because my mind was on other things.
If I had been more focused on the conversation, maybe I would've helped to make more of an impact. Maybe I could've done better.
The truth is, I'd like to think that Aaron and I accomplished something great by listening to him but I feel like I could've done more. I'll never forget him, and I hope to talk to him in the future, but more importantly I hope that someone else finds the courage to help him along the way. Sometimes we can only do so much and then someone else is supposed to step in and offer something better.
I know that I've had my own problems with keeping relationships intact over the years as it is.
I don't really have a solution to this. Normally I'm able to wrap things up with a quote or a line from a song, but tonight as I write this I just have some questions and understand that I'm asking this to myself as well as to those who are reading this.
What could you do to make those around you better?
What needs to happen for you to start changing the world?
Who will you choose to be?
Think about it.
Friday, September 11, 2009
I Will Follow You Into the Dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
-I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie
How far would I be willing to go to help out a friend?
Would I put aside my own feelings to helping someone deal with their own pains?
At what length would I go to help mend a broken heart?
Have you ever stopped and asked questions like these? You talk a big game about how loyal you are to your friends, but when it comes down to it you're not sure if you could handle the pressure?
I've talked about pain in previous posts, but on an individual basis. What I want to journey through today is dealing with other people's hurt.
What happens when you have a friend dealing with a pain you can't relate to?
what happens when you have a friend dealing with a pain that you can't do anything to help him or her with?
Right now, I really just have a lot of questions, but I want to theorize for a moment. I understand that pain is an essential part of who I am. I've embraced my pain, and yes it still hurts when I think about certain moments of my past, but I do not let that control who I am. It influences my actions and my relationships (sometimes for negative results but not always).
Good friends are hard to come by. I know with me personally, I'd like to think that I'm a great friend to have, but do my actions prove my thoughts?
I think that helping others through their issues and problems comes from our abilities to listen. It's not always about having the right thing to say, it's more about the right thing to do. This is difficult for me, because I hate silence when others are around.
I'm the idiot who breaks the silence.
Even if I end up saying the wrong thing.
The problem with this is sometimes, great moments can be born from silence. Friendships are built on the ability to know when someone is there. It's that feeling of accomplishment of going to bed, knowing that there are people out there who care about you. It's a rare feeling to have, but it's a great one to feel from time to time.
I think that there are times that I get so caught up with trying to be the strong friend, that I lose sight of everyone else's feelings, including my own. I find myself answering rhetorical questions, even though I should just be there to say, "I'm so sorry, yeah that does suck".
At the end of the day, it's hard to do the right thing. Most of the time, the right thing looks like the wrong thing because people might get hurt. It's hard to look past your pain that is taking place in a single moment. So as a friend, you have to just sit back, empathize, and simply be present.
You have to decide how far you would go to helping someone, even if that means leaving them be for a while.
It's a hard decisions to make, but it's one that must be made.
“There comes a time when every man (woman) has to make a choice. Whether it’s a professional choice…Or whether it’s a personal choice. In the end, it’s about integrity. And it’s about chasing after what you really want. Even if that means showing you both care a little. And sometimes…well, sometimes you just have to do what’s right for your friend. Even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make.”
-John Dorian (Scrubs)Sunday, September 6, 2009
Strength and Honor
Have you ever had one of those days where the realization that you are clueless hits you?
It's as though you're on top of the world one minute, than in the next your brain is in shambles from the confusion. Sometimes it just seems like you have the world figured out and nothing can get in your way, then you trip. You make a false step, and you're lying face down on the ground yelling for the voices to go away!
This morning was like that for me. You see, I've been doing outstanding lately. My relationships (as far as I can tell) are all great with my family, friends and God. Yet while I was sitting in church this morning I started to freak out. A rush of insecurities flooded through my heart and paralyzed me for a moment.
I've been thinking about the future a lot lately and I'm not sure where my life is going. So if you add that into the mix of what I was feeling, I was a mess! I started to question who I was and whether or not my friends even cared about me, and it was all unwarranted.
Thankfully, my friends do love me. After I left the main sanctuary from my church to get away from all the background noise, I found myself sitting alone in a chair so I texted a couple of friends of mine, reaching out for help. Both of them responded, but one of them in particular walked me through my problems.
What happened was I needed to be knocked down from my pedestal. It wasn't that I've been arrogant lately, but more like I was taking things for granted. I needed to be reminded who I was and that people do believe in me.
I needed to hear that I was good enough.
I often become focused on being strong. I've always wanted to be that guy who people can lean on when they are hurting. But what happens when I focus on strength is that I forget to take care of my own emotional needs and that's how days like today happen. I become broken.
I am completely wrecked.
What I needed was for somebody to be strong for me, so that I could see how it's done. Because strength isn't always about having everything figured out. Strength is about putting aside your own issues for a moment to see that there are bigger things happening than you.
Strength is about overcoming or forgetting about your own fear for a moment so that you can help others deal with theirs.
If there's anything I've learned in the last couple of years is that I cannot do this on my own. Life is too hard to go through it without trusting people. Life is too hard to live without friends. Life is too hard to go through it and not feel love.
Don't ever forget that you are loved by someone, even if it doesn't feel like it at times.
It's as though you're on top of the world one minute, than in the next your brain is in shambles from the confusion. Sometimes it just seems like you have the world figured out and nothing can get in your way, then you trip. You make a false step, and you're lying face down on the ground yelling for the voices to go away!
This morning was like that for me. You see, I've been doing outstanding lately. My relationships (as far as I can tell) are all great with my family, friends and God. Yet while I was sitting in church this morning I started to freak out. A rush of insecurities flooded through my heart and paralyzed me for a moment.
I've been thinking about the future a lot lately and I'm not sure where my life is going. So if you add that into the mix of what I was feeling, I was a mess! I started to question who I was and whether or not my friends even cared about me, and it was all unwarranted.
Thankfully, my friends do love me. After I left the main sanctuary from my church to get away from all the background noise, I found myself sitting alone in a chair so I texted a couple of friends of mine, reaching out for help. Both of them responded, but one of them in particular walked me through my problems.
What happened was I needed to be knocked down from my pedestal. It wasn't that I've been arrogant lately, but more like I was taking things for granted. I needed to be reminded who I was and that people do believe in me.
I needed to hear that I was good enough.
I often become focused on being strong. I've always wanted to be that guy who people can lean on when they are hurting. But what happens when I focus on strength is that I forget to take care of my own emotional needs and that's how days like today happen. I become broken.
I am completely wrecked.
What I needed was for somebody to be strong for me, so that I could see how it's done. Because strength isn't always about having everything figured out. Strength is about putting aside your own issues for a moment to see that there are bigger things happening than you.
Strength is about overcoming or forgetting about your own fear for a moment so that you can help others deal with theirs.
If there's anything I've learned in the last couple of years is that I cannot do this on my own. Life is too hard to go through it without trusting people. Life is too hard to live without friends. Life is too hard to go through it and not feel love.
Don't ever forget that you are loved by someone, even if it doesn't feel like it at times.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Wolf Like Me Revisited
I just came across a passage from a book I'm reading that discusses dealing with the fear of being alone. I thought I would share it with you, but if you haven't read my previous entry "Wolf Like Me" go back and read that first then take a look at this.
Thanks.
The good news is that it doesn't have to be this way. As a matter of fact, our relationships can be
much deeper, more meaningful, and even enjoyable with both God and others. But we have some work to do.
First, nurturing healthy relationships requires us to keep facing our fears. It's normal to be
afraid; we all are. But we must not allow our fears to keep us from enjoying what's beyond them, namely the deeper connections we desire with God and others.
Second, we must look for ways to get past the superficial levels in which most of our relationships
get stuck. This involves taking more time with others, becoming more honest and real with them, holding back less.
-Chris Mitchell; Co-author of A Place for Skeptics
As long as we face our fears every day, our natural feeling of being alone will become easier to cope with. This is only one step of the process, considering eventually you'll have to let people in. Just saying that you trust in God and feel a closeness to him, does not mean that you do.
We all crave to feel and be a part of something, and yes you can find that with God, but true community happens with a fellowship of people as well. I don't think that God wants you to be alone, and I find it hard to believe that he would want you to only have a relationship with him.
If it were that why, why didn't he just stop with creating Adam?
Thanks.
The good news is that it doesn't have to be this way. As a matter of fact, our relationships can be
much deeper, more meaningful, and even enjoyable with both God and others. But we have some work to do.
First, nurturing healthy relationships requires us to keep facing our fears. It's normal to be
afraid; we all are. But we must not allow our fears to keep us from enjoying what's beyond them, namely the deeper connections we desire with God and others.
Second, we must look for ways to get past the superficial levels in which most of our relationships
get stuck. This involves taking more time with others, becoming more honest and real with them, holding back less.
-Chris Mitchell; Co-author of A Place for Skeptics
As long as we face our fears every day, our natural feeling of being alone will become easier to cope with. This is only one step of the process, considering eventually you'll have to let people in. Just saying that you trust in God and feel a closeness to him, does not mean that you do.
We all crave to feel and be a part of something, and yes you can find that with God, but true community happens with a fellowship of people as well. I don't think that God wants you to be alone, and I find it hard to believe that he would want you to only have a relationship with him.
If it were that why, why didn't he just stop with creating Adam?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Overwhelming Awareness
A few weeks ago I had some thoughts that I meant to share, and I just never got around to doing so. I was sitting in a meeting for First Teams, and a song was played. The idea was to listen for "God thoughts" and I'm still not entirely sure if what I heard was actually in the song or not, but here was my thought.
When you (God) are here, am I aware of your presence?
What should I feel in those moments?
Should I be overwhelmed?
Should I feel calm?
Should I feel love?
I so often hear in church settings, that "God is here". God shows up, when the service goes a certain way. I can't say I have ever felt God in church, the way I've heard people describe it. It's very difficult for me to make a connection singing during a worship service, because I'm not passionate about singing.
Traditionally speaking, I'm probably wrong for even thinking this way, but I don't feel God in those half hour moments on Sunday mornings. It's not that I don't try, because I do (not every week but I still try).
I know that it would be pointless to address a situation without offering a solution, because maybe I'm not the only person who feels this way. I don't have a full answer for this. In fact, there are no absolutes in what I am writing right now. I will say this though, there are moments where I feel God. Mostly when I write.
I feel a closeness and a connection with my creator when I do something creative which I have been gifted in. Sometimes during a worship service, I'll have a notebook with me and I'll just write. I'll scribble down thoughts like this and see what happens.
I'm not saying that it works this way for everyone. If you are a gifted basketball player, don't bring your ball to church Sunday morning, but understand that your gifts can be used in some way to worship.
This is most Christian Language that I've used in a blog, and it doesn't happen often, but understand my heart. I'm experimenting with a simple theory and so far it's working. That doesn't mean it's always going to work, but I want to encourage everyone to keep asking questions and to never stop pursuing your dreams and passions in God.
Let's do life together.
When you (God) are here, am I aware of your presence?
What should I feel in those moments?
Should I be overwhelmed?
Should I feel calm?
Should I feel love?
I so often hear in church settings, that "God is here". God shows up, when the service goes a certain way. I can't say I have ever felt God in church, the way I've heard people describe it. It's very difficult for me to make a connection singing during a worship service, because I'm not passionate about singing.
Traditionally speaking, I'm probably wrong for even thinking this way, but I don't feel God in those half hour moments on Sunday mornings. It's not that I don't try, because I do (not every week but I still try).
I know that it would be pointless to address a situation without offering a solution, because maybe I'm not the only person who feels this way. I don't have a full answer for this. In fact, there are no absolutes in what I am writing right now. I will say this though, there are moments where I feel God. Mostly when I write.
I feel a closeness and a connection with my creator when I do something creative which I have been gifted in. Sometimes during a worship service, I'll have a notebook with me and I'll just write. I'll scribble down thoughts like this and see what happens.
I'm not saying that it works this way for everyone. If you are a gifted basketball player, don't bring your ball to church Sunday morning, but understand that your gifts can be used in some way to worship.
This is most Christian Language that I've used in a blog, and it doesn't happen often, but understand my heart. I'm experimenting with a simple theory and so far it's working. That doesn't mean it's always going to work, but I want to encourage everyone to keep asking questions and to never stop pursuing your dreams and passions in God.
Let's do life together.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Wolf Like Me
“I don’t think people are meant to be by themselves...Because nothing sucks more than being all alone. No matter how many people are around.”
-J.D. From Scrubs
Loneliness has been on my mind a lot lately. I think it's safe to say that everyone has dealt with being alone at some point in their life.
Some people go through their whole lives surrounded by friends, yet have never felt the comfort that comes with great friendship, because at the heart of every person is a need to be wanted even when it seems that they have everything.
On a personal level, I feel alone often and I have great friends and a great family. I haven't ever had a better relationship with God than I do right now and yet, deep within me lies this void that has yet to be filled.
I'm not in pain. I feel fine. You won't see loneliness in my eyes when you see me, but sometimes at night I go to bed wondering what it is that I am missing.
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I'm not. I have never been more positive that I am heading in the right direction than I do right now, yet I still sometimes feel alone.
Jack's Mannequin asks the question in a song called Dark Blue:
"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"
That's a great question. Loneliness is a hurt that comes from a long line of pain. Every time I feel alone, I try to remember the relationships I currently have. I think of my closest friends and what they've done for me. Yeah, they aren't perfect but I don't expect them to be.
I think that there are different aspects and levels of emotional pain. Anything from verbal abuse to dealing with feelings of abandonment can all cause pain that can be easily covered up yet run so deep in our system that it begins to take over who we are.
I have shared through heartache, grief, hurt, and a lot of pain with many people and loneliness still seems to be the least fleeting feeling to experience.
I think the trick to dealing with being alone is to never stop looking for the good in your current relationships. Never forget about where you've come from with the friends that you have. If they are good ones, they'll be there for you regardless of what you do.
And if you don't have those friends that would take a bullet for you, find them. I know it can be hard to make friends, but sometimes the victory of discovering someone who is always there for you, can make you feel a part of something.
People have this innate desire to do community. They want to be a part of something greater than themselves but most of the time feel all too helpless and won't take a step outside of their shell.
In the end, all it takes is a determined spirit. You may be alone now, but what is down the road no one knows.
So keep your head up...
Hope daringly...
And live passionately.
-J.D. From Scrubs
Loneliness has been on my mind a lot lately. I think it's safe to say that everyone has dealt with being alone at some point in their life.
Some people go through their whole lives surrounded by friends, yet have never felt the comfort that comes with great friendship, because at the heart of every person is a need to be wanted even when it seems that they have everything.
On a personal level, I feel alone often and I have great friends and a great family. I haven't ever had a better relationship with God than I do right now and yet, deep within me lies this void that has yet to be filled.
I'm not in pain. I feel fine. You won't see loneliness in my eyes when you see me, but sometimes at night I go to bed wondering what it is that I am missing.
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I'm not. I have never been more positive that I am heading in the right direction than I do right now, yet I still sometimes feel alone.
Jack's Mannequin asks the question in a song called Dark Blue:
"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"
That's a great question. Loneliness is a hurt that comes from a long line of pain. Every time I feel alone, I try to remember the relationships I currently have. I think of my closest friends and what they've done for me. Yeah, they aren't perfect but I don't expect them to be.
I think that there are different aspects and levels of emotional pain. Anything from verbal abuse to dealing with feelings of abandonment can all cause pain that can be easily covered up yet run so deep in our system that it begins to take over who we are.
I have shared through heartache, grief, hurt, and a lot of pain with many people and loneliness still seems to be the least fleeting feeling to experience.
I think the trick to dealing with being alone is to never stop looking for the good in your current relationships. Never forget about where you've come from with the friends that you have. If they are good ones, they'll be there for you regardless of what you do.
And if you don't have those friends that would take a bullet for you, find them. I know it can be hard to make friends, but sometimes the victory of discovering someone who is always there for you, can make you feel a part of something.
People have this innate desire to do community. They want to be a part of something greater than themselves but most of the time feel all too helpless and won't take a step outside of their shell.
In the end, all it takes is a determined spirit. You may be alone now, but what is down the road no one knows.
So keep your head up...
Hope daringly...
And live passionately.
Friday, August 14, 2009
The Emotional Spectrum
Empathy: Understanding and entering into another's feelings.
Emotions are never what they seem.
It's hard to figure out what exactly it is I'm feeling at times. Whether it be compassion or anger or pain, sometimes it is just so hard to decipher which is which.
Lately it seems that empathy is being forced into my heart. I know the notion of something being forced on me is a wild accusation yet here I am, experiencing it.
I more than likely asked for this, without realizing it. Somehow along the way, God decided it would be a good idea to teach me how to feel for what others are going through. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have empathy. It's really the contrary, I think it's a wonderful thing. I don't think that I've ever been more excited about emotions in my life!
There are an incredible amount of emotions that can take place in someone's life. Fear, courage, love, anger, hate, even pain seem to simply scratch the surface of the complexity that is the human heart. Many would argue that people would be better without emotions of any kind, just to cancel out the bad. Let's face it, horrible things have happened in the name of love, yet the greatest sacrifice was done with the same claim.
To get rid of love, courage, empathy and all the good, just to rid ourselves of evil feelings such as anger and hatred would be an empty experience for us. I've experienced apathy and you'd think that a life without caring would be ideal, but trust me it's not a place you want to be at.
Apathy sounds like freedom.
Empathy sounds like a prison.
So which is more powerful?
If Jesus asked us to become selfless beings who did nothing but take care of those in need, shouldn't empathy go hand it hand with that?
I don't believe we've been called to live a sheltered life behind our so called, "Emotions," yet we find an excuse that always seems to put us behind them.
Emotions are in need of being controlled, because they can influence us to do strange and awful things, but that does not give us an excuse not to listen to them.
Love will get you through pain. Courage will help overcome great fear. Empathy will help you destroy apathy.
So much good can come from emotions.
Follow your heart.
Trust your judgment.
Rely on your gut.
God gave them to you for a reason.
Emotions are never what they seem.
It's hard to figure out what exactly it is I'm feeling at times. Whether it be compassion or anger or pain, sometimes it is just so hard to decipher which is which.
Lately it seems that empathy is being forced into my heart. I know the notion of something being forced on me is a wild accusation yet here I am, experiencing it.
I more than likely asked for this, without realizing it. Somehow along the way, God decided it would be a good idea to teach me how to feel for what others are going through. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have empathy. It's really the contrary, I think it's a wonderful thing. I don't think that I've ever been more excited about emotions in my life!
There are an incredible amount of emotions that can take place in someone's life. Fear, courage, love, anger, hate, even pain seem to simply scratch the surface of the complexity that is the human heart. Many would argue that people would be better without emotions of any kind, just to cancel out the bad. Let's face it, horrible things have happened in the name of love, yet the greatest sacrifice was done with the same claim.
To get rid of love, courage, empathy and all the good, just to rid ourselves of evil feelings such as anger and hatred would be an empty experience for us. I've experienced apathy and you'd think that a life without caring would be ideal, but trust me it's not a place you want to be at.
Apathy sounds like freedom.
Empathy sounds like a prison.
So which is more powerful?
If Jesus asked us to become selfless beings who did nothing but take care of those in need, shouldn't empathy go hand it hand with that?
I don't believe we've been called to live a sheltered life behind our so called, "Emotions," yet we find an excuse that always seems to put us behind them.
Emotions are in need of being controlled, because they can influence us to do strange and awful things, but that does not give us an excuse not to listen to them.
Love will get you through pain. Courage will help overcome great fear. Empathy will help you destroy apathy.
So much good can come from emotions.
Follow your heart.
Trust your judgment.
Rely on your gut.
God gave them to you for a reason.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The Future (To Infinity and Beyond)
“I usually don’t like thinking about the future. I mean let’s face it, you can’t predict what’s going to happen. But sometimes, the thing you didn’t expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you’re going and just enjoy where you’re at.”
-John Dorian (Scrubs)
The future is a mystery.
No one knows what the future holds.
Whether you live your life carefully or by stepping in harms way, you have no idea what tomorrow brings.
All kinds of people feel differently about how to live their lives. Some live in the here and now, some wallow in the past, while others have their hearts in the future. These people are constantly talking about where they are going and how they are going to get there.
I'm not like that. I never have been. There's a danger in only seeing what's ahead of you. When you do that, you develop a tunnel-vision. You have this great dream of living as an artist, a lawyer, an architect or a father, a mother, etc. But what you fail to see are the opportunities that were laid in front of you on your way to get there.
You meet a girl/boy. They are nothing short of amazing. They want to develop a relationship with you and you entertain thoughts of marriage. After all, for the longest time you wanted to be a husband/wife, so why bother wasting your time with the small moments? What happens next is nothing. You're still alone. But your future is just around the corner. Destiny awaits.
You overlook who you are in that moment and all you see is what you can become. And you miss so much.
This is a tragedy. Nothing is more heart-breaking to me than missed opportunities. I find that I beat myself up over this more than anything. There are only so many moments in life where you get the chance to truly soar!
When those moments come around the corner, you have to take advantage of them.
Your future is dependent on the decisions you make today. So stop thinking about what's going to happen tomorrow.
You'll know when you get there.
It's okay to have plans.
It's okay to think about what's in store for you.
It's not okay to neglect a life thinking everything will fall into place when it comes time for it to.
Remember the past so that you don't make the same mistakes today. Live today, so that you may live out your dreams tomorrow.
Keep dreaming for a better tomorrow and live to become an unstoppable force.
-John Dorian (Scrubs)
The future is a mystery.
No one knows what the future holds.
Whether you live your life carefully or by stepping in harms way, you have no idea what tomorrow brings.
All kinds of people feel differently about how to live their lives. Some live in the here and now, some wallow in the past, while others have their hearts in the future. These people are constantly talking about where they are going and how they are going to get there.
I'm not like that. I never have been. There's a danger in only seeing what's ahead of you. When you do that, you develop a tunnel-vision. You have this great dream of living as an artist, a lawyer, an architect or a father, a mother, etc. But what you fail to see are the opportunities that were laid in front of you on your way to get there.
You meet a girl/boy. They are nothing short of amazing. They want to develop a relationship with you and you entertain thoughts of marriage. After all, for the longest time you wanted to be a husband/wife, so why bother wasting your time with the small moments? What happens next is nothing. You're still alone. But your future is just around the corner. Destiny awaits.
You overlook who you are in that moment and all you see is what you can become. And you miss so much.
This is a tragedy. Nothing is more heart-breaking to me than missed opportunities. I find that I beat myself up over this more than anything. There are only so many moments in life where you get the chance to truly soar!
When those moments come around the corner, you have to take advantage of them.
Your future is dependent on the decisions you make today. So stop thinking about what's going to happen tomorrow.
You'll know when you get there.
It's okay to have plans.
It's okay to think about what's in store for you.
It's not okay to neglect a life thinking everything will fall into place when it comes time for it to.
Remember the past so that you don't make the same mistakes today. Live today, so that you may live out your dreams tomorrow.
Keep dreaming for a better tomorrow and live to become an unstoppable force.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Present (Apathy's Stain)
Apathy hits us at the most convenient moments in life.
We get stuck in this wirlwind of not caring about life and all ambition is simply drained from our very being.
This doesn't happen to everyone. Most people are able to rise above this. But for those who have tried to block the memories from their painful past can fully understand going through this.
When apathy strikes someone, they find themselves stuck in the present.
I can't tell you how wonderful it sounds to be in a state of mind where you just do not care about anything that happens. If something happens to others, family, friends, or even yourself.
You simply don't care about anything.
On the surface, that sounds like freedom. To not care about anybodies well being, including your own should allow you to do things you never dreamed you could accomplish. But it doesn't.
You see, apathy is a paralysis of the heart. It binds you to your own personal prison.
I know a lot of people who say they, "Live in the moment."
Sounds right. Making each decision as it comes to you rather than planning out every step from now until you die, sounds smart. And it is, but sometimes doing this will put you in a spot where you're risking more than you should be.
The present is a constant. You'll always find yourself there. You can dream about the future, and mourn about the past, but you will always be in the present.
The present is now, and now, and now and now.
Simple. Right?
The people who are, "living in the moment," are the ones who complain about their lives the most. It's always about the glory days of the past, or where they are going in the future. You never hear about how amazing their lives are now.
People are more scared of today than they are of tomorrow. The past is behind them, so it's easy to move on from that, and tomorrow holds mystery. Today is simple. Today is boring. Today holds no mystery.
Fear of normalcy is what makes living in the hear and now so scary.
There is hope. There's always hope. Even when life seems boring and mediocre, meaningful things can happen. If everything happens for a reason, then today must also have a purpose.
Every day is just as important as the last, but we are stuck living them one at a time.
So get over it.
That's life.
It's filled with highs and lows but you have to take advantage of every moment to truly live.
Stop getting stuck inside of who you are or who you were or who you're going to be (it's a mouthful I know).
Life is a beautiful experience but it is also a very difficult journey.
I am young, yet I have grown an understanding of what it is to live. My opinion may change tomorrow and there isn't anything wrong with that. I'm growing and that's what's important.
So just live without worry of what tomorrow holds.
Wipe away the stain of apathy by waking up and taking a try at living.
We get stuck in this wirlwind of not caring about life and all ambition is simply drained from our very being.
This doesn't happen to everyone. Most people are able to rise above this. But for those who have tried to block the memories from their painful past can fully understand going through this.
When apathy strikes someone, they find themselves stuck in the present.
I can't tell you how wonderful it sounds to be in a state of mind where you just do not care about anything that happens. If something happens to others, family, friends, or even yourself.
You simply don't care about anything.
On the surface, that sounds like freedom. To not care about anybodies well being, including your own should allow you to do things you never dreamed you could accomplish. But it doesn't.
You see, apathy is a paralysis of the heart. It binds you to your own personal prison.
I know a lot of people who say they, "Live in the moment."
Sounds right. Making each decision as it comes to you rather than planning out every step from now until you die, sounds smart. And it is, but sometimes doing this will put you in a spot where you're risking more than you should be.
The present is a constant. You'll always find yourself there. You can dream about the future, and mourn about the past, but you will always be in the present.
The present is now, and now, and now and now.
Simple. Right?
The people who are, "living in the moment," are the ones who complain about their lives the most. It's always about the glory days of the past, or where they are going in the future. You never hear about how amazing their lives are now.
People are more scared of today than they are of tomorrow. The past is behind them, so it's easy to move on from that, and tomorrow holds mystery. Today is simple. Today is boring. Today holds no mystery.
Fear of normalcy is what makes living in the hear and now so scary.
There is hope. There's always hope. Even when life seems boring and mediocre, meaningful things can happen. If everything happens for a reason, then today must also have a purpose.
Every day is just as important as the last, but we are stuck living them one at a time.
So get over it.
That's life.
It's filled with highs and lows but you have to take advantage of every moment to truly live.
Stop getting stuck inside of who you are or who you were or who you're going to be (it's a mouthful I know).
Life is a beautiful experience but it is also a very difficult journey.
I am young, yet I have grown an understanding of what it is to live. My opinion may change tomorrow and there isn't anything wrong with that. I'm growing and that's what's important.
So just live without worry of what tomorrow holds.
Wipe away the stain of apathy by waking up and taking a try at living.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
The Past (Fear's Reminder)
I hate to be reminded of myself.
I stated in my most recent entry that I am my biggest enemy. That's still very much the truth and continues to reign over me periodically.
The past can bring about a lot of pain. Memories, can really kill a hot streak.
When I was in high school, I hated myself. Never to the point where I wanted to end my life, but I always wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be better, yet I did nothing to make that happen.
Maybe that's why I have a soft spot for people. Maybe that's why certain people keep showing up in my life.
I've met new friends and reconnected with old ones recently and it's exciting, yet terrifying all at the same time.
My old friends remind me of what I was, and it hurts. It hurts a lot.
Up to this point in life, I've learned that everything happens for a reason. Not because someone told me, but because I've seen it happen. Everything seems to just be pieced together in this grand universe...well, at least in my universe!
My emotions used to tell me to look out for myself.
My instincts tell me to look out for others.
My brain tells me to mind my own business.
My soul shouts, help them!
My heart say to live.
Everything that has happened in my life, is a huge progression. I keep finding the pieces of the puzzle fitting together so nicely, but then sometimes I don't see where a piece fits in, and I crawl back into myself.
Maybe I hated myself all those years ago, so that I could learn to something.
Maybe I just had to learn patience (which I really have learned and still hate!).
Maybe I had to learn about unconditional love.
Maybe I had to learn how to live.
Maybe it's all just a coincidence.
Does the past control my actions or am I in control?
A year ago, I'd say that I wasn't in control. A year ago, I would've thrown in the towel, and quit. But that was a year ago.
Today I am stronger.
Today I can make a difference.
Today will be a landmark in my story.
Today, I love being reminded of myself.
I stated in my most recent entry that I am my biggest enemy. That's still very much the truth and continues to reign over me periodically.
The past can bring about a lot of pain. Memories, can really kill a hot streak.
When I was in high school, I hated myself. Never to the point where I wanted to end my life, but I always wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be better, yet I did nothing to make that happen.
Maybe that's why I have a soft spot for people. Maybe that's why certain people keep showing up in my life.
I've met new friends and reconnected with old ones recently and it's exciting, yet terrifying all at the same time.
My old friends remind me of what I was, and it hurts. It hurts a lot.
Up to this point in life, I've learned that everything happens for a reason. Not because someone told me, but because I've seen it happen. Everything seems to just be pieced together in this grand universe...well, at least in my universe!
My emotions used to tell me to look out for myself.
My instincts tell me to look out for others.
My brain tells me to mind my own business.
My soul shouts, help them!
My heart say to live.
Everything that has happened in my life, is a huge progression. I keep finding the pieces of the puzzle fitting together so nicely, but then sometimes I don't see where a piece fits in, and I crawl back into myself.
Maybe I hated myself all those years ago, so that I could learn to something.
Maybe I just had to learn patience (which I really have learned and still hate!).
Maybe I had to learn about unconditional love.
Maybe I had to learn how to live.
Maybe it's all just a coincidence.
Does the past control my actions or am I in control?
A year ago, I'd say that I wasn't in control. A year ago, I would've thrown in the towel, and quit. But that was a year ago.
Today I am stronger.
Today I can make a difference.
Today will be a landmark in my story.
Today, I love being reminded of myself.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
On The Edge, Waiting for a Chance
It could have been easier than this
If you threw it all away
What would you miss
It could have been too much of a chance to take
The silence in your head would have to break
Your grip is slipping faster
Looks like you'll have to face yourself after all
-Eighties by Lifehouse
I always seem to find a way to miss opportunities that come my way. Whether out of fear or just not caring, I find myself regretting what could have been over what actually is.
I've always been more of an introvert, which I'm sure sounds hard to believe for those who have more recently met me. Growing up, it was always very difficult for me to interact with others and meet new people. When I was in high school I didn't want to meet new people, I just wanted to get by.
Last night I drove from Orlando after spending the day with friends, some old and some new. During that drive I thought about many things, but I mostly reflected on the day's events and my past.
Just three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to interact with some of these people, let alone go out to eat with them. I would have been very awkward and felt so out of place yet I didn't.
I didn't want to miss an opportunity to be a part of something, even if it was for only a day. Even if I never see some of those people again, it was worth the experience to step outside of who I think I am to experience life as it comes to me.
There are many people in this world who do not think of themselves as risk takers. I consider myself a risk taker in certain aspects of life, but there are still many areas that I just can't risk and that kills me slowly from the inside out.
Have you ever met someone who looked like they just needed a friend right there in that moment?
Their eyes just screamed out at you, shouting, "I need someone, anyone, just to tell me I'm going to be okay!" Their body language said, "please help me."
But you did nothing. You looked at this person and said, someone close to them can help. I'm not qualified to speak into their life.
I have met people like this and I put on a fake smile and pressed on into whatever meaningless task I was faced with for the day.
It kills me, even to this day that I couldn't have the decency to do something, that's why when I talk to people now, good friends or even "okay" friends, I try to really find out how they are doing if I feel like something is wrong.
I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the past even though I still periodically make them. I probably make them more than I avoid them.
If I don't find myself taking risks, acting for others, and finding opportunities to shine, I'll have to face what can be my biggest enemy.
Myself.
If you're not normally a risk taker, try it sometime. Do something dangerous.
Climb a mountain.
Sky dive.
Ask a girl/guy out (I have to cater to both genders).
Live your life.
If you feel like you have missed opportunities to make a difference, don't ever forget those moments. Move on, but never forget the pain and suffering you went through, because those moments are what made you who you are today.
Move Forward, no matter what comes your way.
Mistakes can never be fixed, but you can always try to make things better than they were.
Do something selfless. Do something that will benefit a complete stranger without worry of your own well being. It's contagious, not only for yourself but for those who are watching from a distance looking for meaning in their own life.
Be somebody that will benefit not only your friends, but everyone you come in contact with throughout the day.
and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
-Before It's Too Late by The Goo Goo Dolls
If you threw it all away
What would you miss
It could have been too much of a chance to take
The silence in your head would have to break
Your grip is slipping faster
Looks like you'll have to face yourself after all
-Eighties by Lifehouse
I always seem to find a way to miss opportunities that come my way. Whether out of fear or just not caring, I find myself regretting what could have been over what actually is.
I've always been more of an introvert, which I'm sure sounds hard to believe for those who have more recently met me. Growing up, it was always very difficult for me to interact with others and meet new people. When I was in high school I didn't want to meet new people, I just wanted to get by.
Last night I drove from Orlando after spending the day with friends, some old and some new. During that drive I thought about many things, but I mostly reflected on the day's events and my past.
Just three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to interact with some of these people, let alone go out to eat with them. I would have been very awkward and felt so out of place yet I didn't.
I didn't want to miss an opportunity to be a part of something, even if it was for only a day. Even if I never see some of those people again, it was worth the experience to step outside of who I think I am to experience life as it comes to me.
There are many people in this world who do not think of themselves as risk takers. I consider myself a risk taker in certain aspects of life, but there are still many areas that I just can't risk and that kills me slowly from the inside out.
Have you ever met someone who looked like they just needed a friend right there in that moment?
Their eyes just screamed out at you, shouting, "I need someone, anyone, just to tell me I'm going to be okay!" Their body language said, "please help me."
But you did nothing. You looked at this person and said, someone close to them can help. I'm not qualified to speak into their life.
I have met people like this and I put on a fake smile and pressed on into whatever meaningless task I was faced with for the day.
It kills me, even to this day that I couldn't have the decency to do something, that's why when I talk to people now, good friends or even "okay" friends, I try to really find out how they are doing if I feel like something is wrong.
I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the past even though I still periodically make them. I probably make them more than I avoid them.
If I don't find myself taking risks, acting for others, and finding opportunities to shine, I'll have to face what can be my biggest enemy.
Myself.
If you're not normally a risk taker, try it sometime. Do something dangerous.
Climb a mountain.
Sky dive.
Ask a girl/guy out (I have to cater to both genders).
Live your life.
If you feel like you have missed opportunities to make a difference, don't ever forget those moments. Move on, but never forget the pain and suffering you went through, because those moments are what made you who you are today.
Move Forward, no matter what comes your way.
Mistakes can never be fixed, but you can always try to make things better than they were.
Do something selfless. Do something that will benefit a complete stranger without worry of your own well being. It's contagious, not only for yourself but for those who are watching from a distance looking for meaning in their own life.
Be somebody that will benefit not only your friends, but everyone you come in contact with throughout the day.
and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
-Before It's Too Late by The Goo Goo Dolls
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