I hate to be reminded of myself.
I stated in my most recent entry that I am my biggest enemy. That's still very much the truth and continues to reign over me periodically.
The past can bring about a lot of pain. Memories, can really kill a hot streak.
When I was in high school, I hated myself. Never to the point where I wanted to end my life, but I always wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be better, yet I did nothing to make that happen.
Maybe that's why I have a soft spot for people. Maybe that's why certain people keep showing up in my life.
I've met new friends and reconnected with old ones recently and it's exciting, yet terrifying all at the same time.
My old friends remind me of what I was, and it hurts. It hurts a lot.
Up to this point in life, I've learned that everything happens for a reason. Not because someone told me, but because I've seen it happen. Everything seems to just be pieced together in this grand universe...well, at least in my universe!
My emotions used to tell me to look out for myself.
My instincts tell me to look out for others.
My brain tells me to mind my own business.
My soul shouts, help them!
My heart say to live.
Everything that has happened in my life, is a huge progression. I keep finding the pieces of the puzzle fitting together so nicely, but then sometimes I don't see where a piece fits in, and I crawl back into myself.
Maybe I hated myself all those years ago, so that I could learn to something.
Maybe I just had to learn patience (which I really have learned and still hate!).
Maybe I had to learn about unconditional love.
Maybe I had to learn how to live.
Maybe it's all just a coincidence.
Does the past control my actions or am I in control?
A year ago, I'd say that I wasn't in control. A year ago, I would've thrown in the towel, and quit. But that was a year ago.
Today I am stronger.
Today I can make a difference.
Today will be a landmark in my story.
Today, I love being reminded of myself.
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